Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody - Page 32 - Stripers247.com Forums
 
Striped Bass Fishing Site Map | Contact Us | Fishing Log Software | Fishing Online | Advertise
to UPLOAD: please register or login

Go Back   Stripers247.com Forums > Around The Woodstove > The Lounge
Forgot Password? Register Now!!

The Lounge Off-topic discussion here. Non-fishing related chit chat & banter. No Divisive subject matter - No Viscious Political and Religious debates please.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #466  
Old 07-05-2008, 07:27 AM
MASSfisher0311's Avatar
MASSfisher0311 MASSfisher0311 is offline
(formerly brian21johansen)
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Currently:San Diego....Originally:Massachusetts
Posts: 975
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Army Oath of Enlistment - Revised Version
U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn’t score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I saw "Full Metal Jacket" so there is no way in hell I’m joining the Marines, and the Navy won’t take me because I can’t swim.

After completion of my BASIC training, for which I will receive a medal, I will attend a different Army school every other month, again receiving medals and patches for each, and finally return knowing less than I did when I left.

I promise to wear my uniform, with it’s colorful array of medals and patches, 24 hours a day even when I have a date.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished, for this I will receive a medal.

I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce fighting machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I may ever see will be the leftovers from the Marines that secured the area for my arrival. For this I will receive a chest full of colorful medals and ribbons, a massive amount of press from reporters that couldn’t hack going where the Marines go, and six more patches to go with the dozen I already have to remind me that I am a fierce fighting machine.

I understand that my mantra, an Army of one, was merely a recruiting ploy to appeal to the simple minds of those that have watched Rambo so many times that they actually believe it is a historical documentary; I acknowledge the mantra actually means that when the going get’s tough it is every man for himself.

I also acknowledge that, though I want to be a fierce fighting machine, I don’t actually want to get hurt or suffer any discomfort; I mean ’fierce fighting machine’ in a video game sort of way.

I am joining with the understanding that I will be provided three six course catered meals a day but understand that this may be reduced to no less than two while on deployment in a combat zone. Though, at no time will I be forced to go without clean sheets, a portable laundry facility and a supply train as long as the great wall of China that has everything but ammo.

I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam.

Finally, I understand that to complete the minium requirements for an honorable discharge from the Army I must memorize a minimum of two dozen Marine jokes, repeat them over and over, and fervently deny that they are a vain attempt to conceal my envy for the Corps. In addition, I will memorize several phony creeds and vow to maintain the public’s misperception that the Army is both tough and ed’ju’macated.

So help me God.




HAHAHA now this is funny......nothing against the Army though, just some "ball busting".When the crap really hits the fan we are all a team....but until then the Marines get to make fun of everybody else for being inferior.
__________________
Think like a fish....
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #467  
Old 07-12-2008, 07:39 AM
Joe Wiz's Avatar
Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
First Mate
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: S.I.N.Y.....TOMS RIV. NJ
Posts: 1,014
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

From my Irish friend.....

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says "How you doin' Paddy?"
Paddy says "Do us a favour Mick, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.
He says "Your da's sent me up here to shag the both of you"
They say "Get away with ya.. prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, the both of 'em you said?"
Paddy shouts back "Of course the both of 'em, what's the point of f#ckin one?"
Reply With Quote
  #468  
Old 07-12-2008, 08:05 AM
Jimmy Z's Avatar
Jimmy Z Jimmy Z is offline
I had a BLAST!
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: I'm from Manhattan, live in Ct, & my heart is in SOCO
Posts: 2,429
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Bubba's Buttholes
Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two buttholes." "What? He had two buttholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every t
__________________
EACH ONE< TEACH ONE
<*((())))>< <*((())))><
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #469  
Old 07-12-2008, 01:45 PM
The Point's Avatar
The Point The Point is offline
Cow Catcher
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: On a Rock in The Water in the Darkness.
Posts: 937
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Son asked his mother the following question
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.
__________________
"My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it."
Reply With Quote
  #470  
Old 07-13-2008, 01:50 PM
Jimmy Z's Avatar
Jimmy Z Jimmy Z is offline
I had a BLAST!
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: I'm from Manhattan, live in Ct, & my heart is in SOCO
Posts: 2,429
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your
pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.
Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that
my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me
that, but why is it hanging out of
your pajamas?
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
__________________
EACH ONE< TEACH ONE
<*((())))>< <*((())))><
Reply With Quote
  #471  
Old 07-13-2008, 07:26 PM
Jimmy Z's Avatar
Jimmy Z Jimmy Z is offline
I had a BLAST!
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: I'm from Manhattan, live in Ct, & my heart is in SOCO
Posts: 2,429
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
bitc
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with.'
__________________
EACH ONE< TEACH ONE
<*((())))>< <*((())))><
Reply With Quote
  #472  
Old 07-16-2008, 10:52 PM
Joe Wiz's Avatar
Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
First Mate
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: S.I.N.Y.....TOMS RIV. NJ
Posts: 1,014
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The other day I was invited to a golf tournament. At first I said " Naaahhhh..." My friends persisted and told me it was for handicapped and blind kids. Then I thought to myself " shit, I could win this thing"
Reply With Quote
  #473  
Old 07-22-2008, 03:22 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because If we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



Feeling smarter yet?
Attached Images
File Type: bmp berry.bmp (21.7 KB, 164 views)
File Type: bmp brooke.bmp (26.7 KB, 158 views)
File Type: bmp congress.bmp (32.4 KB, 166 views)
File Type: bmp fowler.bmp (18.8 KB, 160 views)
File Type: bmp iacocca.bmp (22.1 KB, 158 views)
File Type: bmp heather.bmp (24.1 KB, 168 views)
File Type: bmp gore.bmp (32.7 KB, 159 views)
File Type: bmp winston.bmp (27.7 KB, 158 views)
File Type: bmp wellman.bmp (26.1 KB, 156 views)
File Type: bmp theisman.bmp (22.1 KB, 152 views)
File Type: bmp quayle.bmp (28.6 KB, 152 views)
File Type: bmp mariah.bmp (34.3 KB, 164 views)
File Type: bmp ozark.bmp (24.9 KB, 167 views)
Reply With Quote
  #474  
Old 07-23-2008, 12:32 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

ON THE SUBJECT OF EMAILS

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails
over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
Can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
Can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the # 1 past-time while driving alone is picking your nose
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Reply With Quote
  #475  
Old 07-24-2008, 05:05 PM
mdundin's Avatar
mdundin mdundin is offline
Capt. Matt
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Gloucester Ma
Posts: 13
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Whats the difference between the rolling stones and a Scotsman??

The rolling stones say "Hey you, get off my cloud."

The Scotsman says "Hey McLoud, get off my Eue"
Reply With Quote
  #476  
Old 08-02-2008, 12:59 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes , and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams andhe shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'





'No,' she replies. . .












Wait for it. .














It's coming. .












The suspense is killing you, isn't it?













She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Reply With Quote
  #477  
Old 08-03-2008, 08:16 AM
Joe Wiz's Avatar
Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
First Mate
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: S.I.N.Y.....TOMS RIV. NJ
Posts: 1,014
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A guys wife walks in and sees him swatting at flies.
" Did you get any? " she asks.
" Three males and two females" he answers.
" How on earth do you know that ?" she asks.
His answer....." Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone"
Reply With Quote
  #478  
Old 08-03-2008, 09:41 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Reply With Quote
  #479  
Old 08-03-2008, 10:00 AM
Joe Wiz's Avatar
Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
First Mate
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: S.I.N.Y.....TOMS RIV. NJ
Posts: 1,014
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do y ou remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to hims self, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
Reply With Quote
  #480  
Old 08-04-2008, 07:53 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN...


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.


YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
day, insult, joke

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Valentine's Day Facts: Striperjim The Lounge 3 02-13-2009 10:41 AM
joke of the day mikeyred The Lounge 1 03-16-2007 08:23 PM
Fishing Music Library ! TonyDB The Lounge 28 10-16-2006 06:09 AM
Now, a Day at the Beach Can Mean a Day in Court CaptainMorgan! The Lounge 0 09-04-2005 02:19 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Copyright 2004 - 2013 Stripers247.com LLC
Affiliated Sites:   Noreast.com   Allcoast.com    2coolfishing.com