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  #286  
Old 04-17-2007, 12:33 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Q: What's the difference between a Paris Hilton and the Cape Cod Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.
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  #287  
Old 04-17-2007, 03:41 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Some tasteless but funny Jokes.

There's a Mexican, Salvadoranian, and Columbian in the back of a truck. Who's driving?
A.Immigration

Q.Why did Helen Keller's cat commit suicide?
A.You would too if your name was "Hrnngk!!"

Father says to his son
"son, if you keep masterbating you'll go blind"
son says
"dad, i'm over here"


why'd the woman cross the road?
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wrong question. what the hell was she doing outta the house in the first place?
and she better not let me find out where she got them shoes!


teacher goes to little sally, "so what did you do at playtime?"
little sally replies "i played with my doll".
"OK" says the teach "if you can spell doll i'll let you go home early"
"D-O-L-L" spells sally.
"well done off you go! and what did you do tommy?"
"I played with my ball" replied tommy
"Well, if you spell ball i'll let you go home early too"
"B-A-L-L" replies tommy and off he goes..
"And what did you do at playtime Kufta?" Asks the teacher
"the other children were bullying me because of my name" replied Kufta.
"oh dear, thats sounds like racial discrimination to me Kufta.
I tell you what if you can spell racial discrimination you can go home early"


A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!”
“You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about!” the person responds.
“Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you were the father.”
“I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm the mother!”
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How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is quite clearly Ocean.
Arthur C. Clarke
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  #288  
Old 04-18-2007, 04:59 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Just put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

"Just hold its little nose."
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"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






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  #289  
Old 04-18-2007, 09:38 AM
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  #290  
Old 04-19-2007, 10:13 PM
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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn’t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald”, he said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Sure”, she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled To the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, “Oi mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff.”

The landlord nodded and said, “Oh well, if you’re that far in, you might as well finish.
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  #291  
Old 04-20-2007, 05:55 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.
Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's". The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"
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  #292  
Old 04-28-2007, 12:42 AM
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A man and a woman are going to get married, but before his wedding day he gets a call from his fiance's sister. They meet up at her house and suprisingly she's dressed in skimpy lingere. She asks :" Don't you wanna have one last fling before you get hitched? Come upstairs." and she walks up to her room.
The man looks at the stairs.
He looks at the door.
The stairs.
He heads torward the door, and goes to his car.
Again, suprisingly, his fiance's WHOLE family is outside clapping and cheering, claiming he 'passed the test'.
Moral of the story : Always keep your condoms in the car.
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  #293  
Old 05-06-2007, 05:39 AM
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A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."
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  #294  
Old 05-12-2007, 07:35 PM
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Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"



"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
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  #295  
Old 05-16-2007, 05:45 PM
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Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed
to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to
wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe
with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go
home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home last night with
no panties on!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a Card
Stuck to her butt that said.....From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'
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  #296  
Old 05-21-2007, 12:03 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A loser, while visiting the doctor, finds out he has a third testicle. Never having won a bet, he goes to a bar and orders a drink. He says to the bartender as he comes back, " I'll bet you 20 dollars that between us we have 5 testicles" The bartender throws a twenty on top of his and says " I'll take that bet". Then the bartender drops his pants and says " Buddy, you'd better have four".
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  #297  
Old 05-21-2007, 10:36 AM
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The clown, with the flu, had just cancelled his appearance. The lady was desparately trying to find another act by phone ( she did, after all, have 20 children coming for the birthday party). The doorbell rang and two men looking for work asked if there was anything they could do for a couple of bucks. She mindlessly pointed to the back yard and said there's an axe and some firewood that has to be split, then she went back to her phone. When she turned towards the back yard she saw one of the men doing summersaults and cartwheels. Thinking they might fill the entertainment bill, she asked the other man if his friend would do that for the children. she would pay $50. He said " I dunno lady, let me ask". Then he yelled " Hey Joe, the lady wants to know if you'll cut off another toe for fifty bucks".
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  #298  
Old 06-03-2007, 09:58 AM
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At the close of Friday class the teacher would write the homework assignment on the blackboard. She would also ask an impossible question with the provision that anyone who could answer it would get to take Monday off. One Friday, while her back was turned writing the assignment on the board, Johnny rolled two black paddleballs up the aisle and hit the front wall. The teacher wheeled and asked " Who's the commedian with the two black balls?" Johnny jumped up and said " Richard Pryor, see ya' Tuesday"
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  #299  
Old 06-03-2007, 10:51 PM
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One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into the saloon in the nearest town. " I'm looking for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

" We got her," replied the bartender, " She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on second door on the right and yelled, " I'm looking for the meanest rougest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, " You found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

" How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

" I don't," replied the hooker. "But I thought you might want to open those beers first."
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  #300  
Old 06-04-2007, 11:40 PM
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On one of his evening rounds the captain heard a noise from one of the covered lifeboats. Looking under the cover, he saw a young woman hiding, and asked her what she was doing. She told him that she couldn't afford to pay for the trip back to the old country, so under the cover of darkness, a ship's officer hid her there. He would sneak her food every night and stay a while with her. " So how is it you're paying for the trip?" he asked. "Well.....you see sir," she answered " he's screwing me." "I'll say he is," answered the captain " this is the Staten Island Ferry."
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