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  #241  
Old 02-14-2007, 10:57 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

An elderly couple is sitting in church. About halfway through the service, she leans over to him and whispers in his ear " I just let go a silent fart, what do you think I should do ?" He answers her back " Change the battery in your hearing aid."
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  #242  
Old 02-15-2007, 12:42 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

There was this little boy about 13 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it,"
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Mona. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters', he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!!!"
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  #243  
Old 02-15-2007, 05:21 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

I love it when a plan comes together
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  #244  
Old 02-15-2007, 05:40 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

At the checkout counter the cashier asked me if I had a dog when I placed the big bag of Purina dog chow on the counter. I thought I'd have a little fun with him,so I told him I didn't and that it was for me. I put a few handfuls in my pockets and munched them whenever I got hungry. On this diet of nutritionally balanced food, I lost weight, but ended up in the hospital. He got a worried look on his face and asked if it has somehow poisoned me. I told him ..no.....I was at the curb one day, licking my balls and got hit by a car.
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  #245  
Old 02-17-2007, 08:13 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Jack was sitting on the plane getting ready to depart for New York when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was awfully pale, his hands were shaking and he was moaning with fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New York, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New York all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" asked Jack. "I'm tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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  #246  
Old 02-19-2007, 05:56 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Two buddies, Wayne and Jay, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jay throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!
Wayne says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your shirt Pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Jay stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're Disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jay says, "Now Wainaminit, I can esplain everythin. Itsh snot wha Jew think. I only had a Cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... He had one too many! And he juss koudint hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill! "
His wife looks in his shirt pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he crapped in my pants, too.
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  #247  
Old 02-19-2007, 08:21 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord it's 2007 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?

Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"
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  #248  
Old 02-20-2007, 07:43 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

" I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE to change your name or I will not be
able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together!" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir, Five years ago, when I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I
left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

(Tell me you're not laughing!)
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  #249  
Old 02-23-2007, 11:24 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.” Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.” Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a Month and that should do us just fine.” By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable
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  #250  
Old 02-24-2007, 02:25 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Mike was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning Mike got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Mike has been missing since Friday.
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  #251  
Old 02-24-2007, 11:27 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A pirate walks into a tavern and orders a beer,the barkeeper takes one look at the pirate and exclaims" Haven't seen you in a while, Lordy , what has happened to ye!" "Whatever do ye mean barkeep" says the pirate. "Well last time I seen ye, ye din't have that pegleg". "Well, We were in a fierce battle and a cannonball took me leg clean off, hurt fer a while, feels better now."
"But, ye didn't have that hook fer a hand either" says the barkeep. "Another battle I'm afraid ,some scurvy dog got the better of me and sliced me hand right off, hurt fer a while, feels better now". "And its fer sure ye didn't have that eyepatch either" says the barkeep. "Well we were sailing along and I looks up and this bird poops right in me eye." "Really?" says the barkeep" I didn't know birdpoop could do that." The pirate pauses and scratches his head and says, "Well, actually it was the first day with the hook

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  #252  
Old 02-24-2007, 11:38 AM
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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.”
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  #253  
Old 02-28-2007, 02:03 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two U.S. Government officials sent to interview
him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've
seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all
these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied.
"When white man found this land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."

"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."

"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."
Then Chief leaned back and smiled,

"Only white man dumb enough to think
he could improve system like that."
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  #254  
Old 03-03-2007, 11:03 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, another student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Another student yelled, "You're INCREDIBLE!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little punk ... if you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"
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  #255  
Old 03-03-2007, 11:06 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

The Japanese guy's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her golf ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Gon Fonit! where's your pantee stay?" her husband demanded.
"Solly, solly,... well, you not give me enough housekeeping money to buy any".
The Japanese guy reach into his pocket and tells his wife, "You no more shame, here $50, you go buy some pantee.

Next, the Filipino guy's wife bends over to set her golf ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Psssst hui. Por how come no mo' pantays?"
She replies, "Aiee sous, ah dee money you gip ist walayong, not enuff".
He reaches into his pocket and says, "So shame! Here $20, go buy da kine pantaylong.
Lastly, the Chinese man's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Aiya, aiyaaa! No mo' panteses, ah?
She too explains, "Aiya, housekeeping money you give soooo tight dallah".
He reaches into his pocket and says, "So shame, here comb... at least make nice".
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