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  #196  
Old 11-20-2006, 10:06 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

I figured I'd give one a shot.... A guy gets home and realizes he'd forgot their anniversary ( hey , this shit happens ). So he gives her a piece of nonsense he'd thrown in his night table. She looks at the piece of trinket and says " tomorrow, when I get home from work, there'd better be something in the driveway that does 0 to 200 in three seconds flat if you want to make it up to me. When she got home, she opened the small package left for her in the driveway. A bathroom scale...........

his funeral is Thursday


Three can keep a secret....if two of them are dead---Joe Wiz
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  #197  
Old 11-22-2006, 11:47 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

OK I'll keep going until some else jumps in....

Pair fo friends meet( one stutters )
#1 Did you ever marry that girl you were seeing?
#2 N-N-No it didn't w-w-work out
#1 What happened?
#2 W-w-we were watching TV and s-s-she was scratching the dog's ear and I asked her if s-s-she w-w-would do that for m-me when we were married.
#1 So?
#2 B-b-by the time I g-got it out he w-w-was l-l-licking his b-b-alls
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  #198  
Old 11-22-2006, 05:42 PM
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Thumbs up Re: Joke Of The Day

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you, Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R. Allah be praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you, Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead, Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Well, bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us, ya hear?"
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  #199  
Old 11-27-2006, 02:05 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? .................( given to me by a 5 year old ) ....................because they have such big fingers
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  #200  
Old 11-28-2006, 03:37 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

The Italian Golfer
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The
doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,"and that's why I'm
in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
"Well,"says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for awalk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."
"Well,"the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still akick'n."
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is
getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today."
At this point thedoctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why
would a 118year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
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  #201  
Old 11-28-2006, 03:39 AM
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Wink Re: Joke Of The Day

Given to me by a 6 year old. lol
Why do Giraffes have such long necks?

Cause their toes smell, really, really bad.
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  #202  
Old 12-02-2006, 01:04 AM
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Paddy is driving around looking for a parking space. As he was getting late for a meeting, he looked up and said " Lord, if you give me a parking space, I'll go to church every Sunday and give up whiskey forever." Miraculously, a space appears. He looks up again and says " Never mind, I found one."
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  #203  
Old 12-02-2006, 06:16 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Bear and Rabbit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A genie is walking through the forest one day, enjoying the peace and tranquility when suddenly a little brown rabbit comes tearing out of the bushes, followed by a huge black bear. The run circles around the genie until he looses his patience and yells "STOP"
They both come to a screeching halt before him. The genie looks at both of them and says "If you stop running around like idiots and leave me in peace, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"
The bear and the rabbit look at each other and agree its a good deal, the bear goes first, looking really smug he says "I wish, all the bears in this forrest, except me, were female" the genie nods and grants the wish.
The rabbit looks thoughtful then says "I wish for a crash helmet" the genie looks a little stunned but grants the wish and a little crash helmet appears in front of the rabbit. The bear gasps "Hey man, we've only got 2 wishes, you have to wish big! like this" he turns to the genie and says "I wish all the bears in the world, except me, were female!"
The genie nods and grants the wish, the little rabbit turns to the genie and says "I wish for a motorcycle" again the genie grants the wish and a little motorcycle appears beside the rabbit. The bear thinks it over "thats better, but you have to wish really big, like this" he turns to the genie and says "I wish all the female bears in the world, loved me!"
The genie grants the wish and looks down to the little rabbit. the rabbit puts on his little crash helmet and ties up the strap, hops on his little motorcycle and revs it up. He looks up at the genie, then to the bear, then back to the genie, then back to the bear.
he grins and says "I wish that bear was gay!" then he races off into the distance
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  #204  
Old 12-03-2006, 09:28 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A billionaire is looking at a " one-off" car that costs 3 million. When asked the dealer replied " it's hand built of all the finest materials and we call it the " C" because it's like the speed of light. It'll do 300 before you take your second breath. Billionaire buys it and takes it out on the road. At a light, an old man pulls up on a scooter and leans in and asks about the car. After a minute the billionaire shows off by nailing it. The old man turns into a speck in the rear view. To his surprise, the old man not only catches up but passes him before dropping back even again. Now the pedal goes to the floor and the old man disappears again. Same thing again, catches up,passes,drops back even. Absolutely stunned, at the next light the billionaire asks the old man if he had a question. Old man says " Yeah, could you unhook my suspender from your rear view mirrior ?"
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  #205  
Old 12-04-2006, 06:03 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Interesting History

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,
which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in
New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment delivered to Mexico. But as
we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg
and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so
great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still
observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of
course, as "Sinko de Mayo".
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  #206  
Old 12-05-2006, 05:49 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Know your states
Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State
Texas
Se Hablo Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Ay, Yep
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
We have more rain than you do
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Nervous

The Geography Game
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  #207  
Old 12-06-2006, 12:27 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She replies, "That's easy. Your dick's bigger than your brother's."
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  #208  
Old 12-06-2006, 12:28 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Anyone that has played golf will love this - This is funny!

---------------------------------------------------

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.



"Is that when you swore?"



"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."



"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.



"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"



"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.



"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."



"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.



"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."



The two nuns were silent for a moment.



Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"
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  #209  
Old 12-06-2006, 06:57 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
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  #210  
Old 12-06-2006, 02:51 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man in the bar pulls out a foot-long lighter and lights his cigarette. The barkeep says " where'd you get that? " " From my genie" says the man.
" Here, rub this lamp and he'll grant you a wish. After the rub, and the appearance of the genie, the barkeep asks for a million bucks. " Done ! " says the genie and disappears back into the lamp. Almost immediately ducks start filing into the bar through the door. ( Like a million of them ) The barkeep says " I think your genie is a little hard of hearing, I asked for bucks." The man says " Yeah , I know...did you think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"
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