Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody - Page 30

Striperjim · #**436** 05-27-2008, 03:25 AM

So a penguin is driving down a desert road when his car starts to smoke. Luckily, he sees a town ahead and right as his car gives its last lunge, he makes it to a mechanic. The mechanic tells him to give him about an hour to see what's wrong with the car. The Penguin decides to walk around a bit, but quickly realizes it was a mistake. The poor little guy is sweating profusly and feels like he's going to pass out from the heat. Thankfully, he comes across an ice cream parlor and gets two big scoops of vanilla ice ceam on a cone. The problem is, he doesn't get much in his mouth. He's a penguin, he has flippers, and the poor little guy gets ice cream everywhere. By the time he finishes, it's time to head back to the mechanic, covered in vanilla ice cream, but feeling much much better. The mechanic seeing him like this and tells him "uhh... you blew a seal"

The penguin says "no, it's just ice cream, I swear!"

Striperjim · #**437** 05-27-2008, 03:27 AM

After seeing several other doctors without a solution, a guy goes to to a Japanese doctor because every time he toots, it sounds like the word 'Honda'.

After the guy simply tells the doctor his problem, the doctor says "Oh, I know what problem is. You have abscess".

The patient replies "How could you tell?"

The doctor replies "That easy. Everybody know, abscess makes the fart go Honda".

54EXPRESS · #**438** 05-28-2008, 02:29 PM

GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME

1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK?

Well, you're going to love this!

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

54EXPRESS · #**439** 06-06-2008, 04:55 PM

This is a 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

StrawMan · #**440** 06-07-2008, 07:50 AM

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender looks at the pirate and says "Hey you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says "Argh...it's driving me nuts!"

Striperjim · #**441** 06-10-2008, 01:35 PM

OLD BUTCH

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible!

Joe Wiz · #**442** 06-14-2008, 08:15 AM

A FAIRY TALE

One day a long, long time ago ........there lived a woman who didn't whine, nag, or bitch......but that was a long, long time ago...... and it was just one day.

The end.

StrawMan · #**443** 06-14-2008, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joe Wiz

A FAIRY TALE

One day a long, long time ago ........there lived a woman who didn't whine, nag, or bitch......but that was a long, long time ago...... and it was just one day.

The end.

Must have been the day of her funeral.

MASSfisher0311 · #**444** 06-14-2008, 08:23 AM

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing you already told her twice!

......I don't believe in hitting in women but this joke is still funny(at least I think it is).

Joe Wiz · #**445** 06-14-2008, 09:12 PM

Ques. Why do women have smaller feet than men?

Ans. So that they can stand closer to the sink and stove without stubbing their toes.

If the wife sees this.....it'll be a long dry season

MASSfisher0311 · #**446** 06-15-2008, 06:20 AM

Why don't women wear wrist watches?

Because there's a clock on the stove.

StrawMan · #**447** 06-15-2008, 08:24 AM

Know why I married a white girl?
So the dishwasher would match the fridge.

MASSfisher0311 · #**448** 06-15-2008, 10:15 AM

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?

Because she was a woman!

It's only a matter of time before feminist groups start bustin us for all these jokes.

StrawMan · #**449** 06-15-2008, 11:04 AM

How do you make Helen Keller shut up?
Put mittens on her

How do you piss her off?
Put her in a round room and tell her supper is over in the corner.

When Helen Keller goes sky diving how does she know when to pull her chute?
The dog leash goes slack.

Helen keller is in K-Mart swinging her dog around in circles by the leash through the air. A worker asks her interperter what she's doing. She says "Oh just looking around."

StrawMan · #**450** 06-15-2008, 11:32 AM

A guy is married to a woman named Wendy. He loves her so much he decides to get a tattoo on his manhood that would say Wendy when he got an erection, but when his erection went down it says "Wy". One day the man is in the bathroom and notices a big black guy also has the letters "Wy" on his junk. The guy can't help but ask the black man what his tattoo says and the black guy tells the man that his tattoo says "Welcome to the land of Jamaica, have a nice day" I have the same tattoo "Wy" but mine says "Well they say black guys have have the biggest penis', I disagree, what do you think honey"