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  #421  
Old 04-02-2008, 07:00 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

lol, lol ,lol

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

That breaks me up!
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  #422  
Old 04-04-2008, 09:54 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

WHO IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND?

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
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  #423  
Old 04-04-2008, 11:00 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
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  #424  
Old 04-06-2008, 05:17 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
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  #425  
Old 04-09-2008, 03:51 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
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  #426  
Old 04-13-2008, 02:30 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?"

His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him."

The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day."
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  #427  
Old 04-14-2008, 02:59 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

TEXAS LOGIC
Two Texas farmers, Steve and Joe, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Steve turns to Joe and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.' Joe thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Steve goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Steve says. 'What's that?' The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?' 'Yeah.' 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.''That's true, I do have a yard.' 'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' Yes, I do have a house.' 'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'Yes, I have a family.' 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual. 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.' Excited to take the class now, Steve shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Joe at the bar. He tells Joe about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History,and Logic. 'Logic?' Joe says, 'What's that?' Steve says, 'I'll give you an example.
Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer'.
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  #428  
Old 04-15-2008, 01:59 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."
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  #429  
Old 04-16-2008, 10:50 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we
both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit
gets out of his car. ..........and you know how you just-get-soooooo-stressed........and life......... sometimes life seems
like...........suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get
out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

And I don't know what possessed me, Officer, but I looked down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"
.......and that's when the fight started.
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  #430  
Old 04-23-2008, 08:48 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don''t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M''s."
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  #431  
Old 04-24-2008, 02:07 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask.
He said, 'You are The woman of my life, I love you...then we made love
all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and
a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't' say a word. We just
had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
:(
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  #432  
Old 04-26-2008, 10:06 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A woman is lost in the jungle with no hope for surviving. Just as she lays down to die Tarzan swings down and rescues her. He brings the woman back to his hut and gives her some water and a proper meal. The woman thanks Tarzan and Tarzan says "Woman welcome!" The woman is very attracted to Tarzan and she asks him if he knows what sex is. Tarzan says "Me don't know sex." The woman explains what sex is and Tarzan says "Ohhhh yes, Tarzan does with hole in tree sometimes." The woman tells Tarzan to do to her what he does to trees. Tarzan gets naked and the woman also gets naked. Tarzan walks up to her, gets ready, and kicks her in the vagina as hard as he can. The woman screams and inbetween muffled cries she says "Why?"
**sniffle** "Why....did you do...that...to me?" She asks. Tarzan bends down and says "Me check for bees first"
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  #433  
Old 05-02-2008, 02:22 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I don't know if this was posted yet but I laughed my ass off...

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his
day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on
the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever
bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and
that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he
realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best
day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to
the hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning,
finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant!

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to
the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his
wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and
finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be
more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'

'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her care giver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just f***in' with you.
She's dead. What'd you catch?'
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  #434  
Old 05-02-2008, 12:29 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."
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  #435  
Old 05-09-2008, 10:41 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey Boss, I no come work today.
I am sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. "You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon.........


"Boss, you got nice house."
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