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  #706  
Old 06-04-2013, 04:53 PM
rclark12 rclark12 is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Wiz View Post
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road..

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
God Bless America
In God We Trust
This is great
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  #707  
Old 06-06-2013, 09:58 AM
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Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

My mother-in-law's coming.....I had to clear out half my closet so she could have place to hang upside down and sleep.
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  #708  
Old 06-07-2013, 12:20 PM
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Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, she said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you may borrow my iPad."

I can tell you this. That damn fly never knew what hit him.
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  #709  
Old 06-08-2013, 10:21 AM
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Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Barack and Michelle are at a baseball game sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president.

Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently and says, "NO".

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And... the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, if that's what the people want..." He then stands up, grabs the First Lady by her collar and the seat of her pants, and tosses her right over the wall into the field!

Michelle slowly gets back to her feet, kicking, swearing, and screaming and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack bows and smiles to the crowd, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks, "What's wrong?"

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
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  #710  
Old 06-10-2013, 11:49 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks " If I were to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?"............

Never give two names
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  #711  
Old 06-12-2013, 09:13 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked what two things are commonly found in cells?

Apparently " Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
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  #712  
Old 06-14-2013, 10:15 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime.

She said " Sorry about the wait."

I said, " Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually."
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  #713  
Old 06-15-2013, 11:49 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "fat chance with a face like that!"
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  #714  
Old 06-17-2013, 11:17 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer, or porn.

This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.
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  #715  
Old 06-19-2013, 09:41 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any change?". I said " Nope, you're still black."
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  #716  
Old 06-22-2013, 08:49 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks " What's wrong, lad?" The boy says " Me ma died this morning." " Oh bejaysus, " the man says, "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boy replies, " No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on me mind at the moment"
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  #717  
Old 06-28-2013, 09:54 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine.
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  #718  
Old 07-03-2013, 10:04 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
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  #719  
Old 07-05-2013, 08:35 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A truck driver picks up a hitchhiker. The hitcher asks about the pesky monkey in the cab, since it seemed very annoying. " Why do you keep him?" The driver says "
Watch this." He smacks the monkey in the head, and it immediately quiets down and gives him oral sex. When he was done he asked the hitch hiker if he'd like to try. The hiker hesitates a bit and then says " OK, but just don't hit me so hard."
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  #720  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:28 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

a particularly spirited Italian kid pushes the outhouse of the bluff and it crashes quite a few feet below. Later his pop grabs him and asks him if he pushed the outhouse off the cliff. He answers " No." Pop asks him again " Didda you poosh the oudhouse offa da cleaf?" Again he answers " No, pop." Pop says "ok, now I'm gonna tella you a story" Georgie Washada's pop give heem a hatch for he's birtdeck. Georgie cut down the cherry tree. When he's pop aks heem iffa he chop the tree, Georgie tell heem, " I canna tell a lie, pop, it was me." He's pop was so proud, he didda notting.........So, now.....didda you poosh the oudhouse offa da cleaf? Upon answering yes, the father beat the tar out of him. The kid was astonished after that beautiful story, and asked why he caught a beating. The pop answered

" Georgie Washada's pop was not in the tree when he cut it down
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