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  #616  
Old 06-27-2010, 10:46 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look,
Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"

"That's New Jersey , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful
mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people
from New Jersey are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous,
and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good
things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Not very far from New Jersey is Washington , DC . Wait till you
see the idiots I put there."
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  #617  
Old 06-28-2010, 08:10 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."

And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women
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  #618  
Old 07-02-2010, 08:49 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Nothing going right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY.

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

" I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home . I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.


"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.


I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then a wise a$$ like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"
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  #619  
Old 07-27-2010, 11:40 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

She was a bit of a gold-digger when she married the older gent of 76. After all she was only 23. They went off on the honeymoon ( where she probably hoped to screw him to death ) and returned within a week's time. When the giggling girls at the office asked her how it went, she replied " Let me put it this way, did you ever try to push a marshmallow into a piggy bank?"
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  #620  
Old 08-08-2010, 12:25 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Mom is giving her three year old a bath. He examines his testicles and asks " Mom, are these my brains?" "Not yet " she answers.
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  #621  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:41 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE


A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!" He never even had a chance to duck....!!
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  #622  
Old 08-24-2010, 04:29 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
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  #623  
Old 08-29-2010, 06:26 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A father and son shark spotted a couple of swimmers and went in for a meal. " First we swim around them with just our tips showing " said the father. " Then we put on a real show, circling around them blasting the water" he added. " Then what?" asked the son. " Then we eat them." the father replied. " Why don't we just swim up and eat them?" asked the son. To which the father replied " Because they taste better without all that shit inside them."
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  #624  
Old 08-31-2010, 12:34 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Bitches 'til the End !

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
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  #625  
Old 09-14-2010, 02:06 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A guy was on a toot in Mexico and was robbed of everything. Reaching the border to the US, he explained he had no ID and was told "No ID .....No entry." " Wait a minute" he said " I can prove I'm an American." " I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one cheek of my butt and George Bush on the other." " OK," said the border guard "let me see." After an examination the border guard said " Alright, you can pass, and have a safe trip back to Chicago." " Say, how did you know I was from Chicago?" asked the traveler. The guard responded " I recognized Obama in the middle."
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  #626  
Old 09-17-2010, 09:15 AM
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  #627  
Old 09-20-2010, 03:25 AM
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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  #628  
Old 09-24-2010, 11:19 AM
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  #629  
Old 09-27-2010, 07:44 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks,
"Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,

"Hard to fool them flies, though."
=
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  #630  
Old 09-28-2010, 10:22 AM
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A fisherman ( We will call him Zim) gets up before dawn, quietly gets dressed, makes his lunch and slips quietly into the Garage... he hookes up his boat and proceeds to back out of the garage into a torrential downpour... The wind is blowing 50 with gusts to 60, so he pulls back into the garage and turns on the radio to hear the weather will be like this all day... he then slips back into the house, quietly gets undressed and snuggles up close to Mrs Zim...Now with a new anticipation he wispers in her ear... "the weather is terrible outside"... she replies.."can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that"....

sorry Zim I couldnt resist!
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