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  #601  
Old 03-02-2010, 11:02 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The last four letters in American......... I Can



The last four letters in Republican....... I Can



The last four letters in Democrats........ Rats



End of today's lesson!
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  #602  
Old 03-04-2010, 01:04 PM
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A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...





(Please scroll down.)



















What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
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  #603  
Old 03-04-2010, 01:10 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
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  #604  
Old 03-27-2010, 09:34 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Subject: Fw: A Barbershop Secret


A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.



"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."



The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.



"And what if I swallow it?"



"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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  #605  
Old 03-28-2010, 04:35 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

9 Months Later....

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay inmy house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way..
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected
letter from an attorney...
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that itwas from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'
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  #606  
Old 04-05-2010, 11:02 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Katey and Petey went to school every day and met at lunch. They each had a chicken salad sandwich.....every day. One day Katey came in with a peanut butter and jelly. Petey why the change and she replied " I had to quit eating chicken because I'm turning into one." I've got feathers growing......down there." Petey asked for a look and she showed him. " Sure enough," said Petey " them's feathers." A few days later Petey shows up with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, too. When asked why, he told her he was growing "feathers", too. She asked for a look and her showed her. " Oh my gosh," she exclaimed, " It's too late for you, you've already got the neck and gizzard."
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  #607  
Old 04-13-2010, 11:31 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

John and a couple of his friends stopped by to see his grandma. She busied herself getting sodas and such for them. They noticed, on the table, a bowl of peanuts, and everyone nibbled away at them. As time came to leave they said goodbyes and thanked her for the peanuts. She said " You're very welcome, since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
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  #608  
Old 04-18-2010, 07:00 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Scientists were trying to gene-splice the perfect fish. They took parts of a Coho Salmon for its stamina, some of a Walleye Pike for its aggressiveness, and some Muskie for its great size. They came up with a fish known as a Kowalski. Now they're stuck with trying to teach it to swim.
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  #609  
Old 04-24-2010, 08:50 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Why women are the way they are today.

The Lord had finished making Adam and placed him on earth. After a time he noticed Adam moped around. So the Lord came to Adam and said " I know what you need." " You need a companion." " What's a companion, Lord." Adam asked. The Lord explained that it was another being something like himself that would care for him. It would be a she, and she would bring him pleasure, prepare food for him, clean for him, console him when he was down, and praise his every little accomplishment. So Adam asked how the Lord would make her.
" With parts from you," answered the Lord. So Adam asked what he would have to give up. The Lord answered " A companion such as this will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam responded " What can I get for a rib?"
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  #610  
Old 04-27-2010, 11:45 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A guy shows up in work with a black eye on Monday and is questioned where he got it by a fellow worker. "I was in church and everyone is doing the stand-up...sit-down...stand-up thing, when I noticed that the lady in front of me had her black dress stuck in the crack of her butt." He responded. " So reached forward and pulled it out," he continued " and POP ! she punches me in the eye."
The following Monday he comes into work with two black eyes. He explains that it was church again. This time he was with a friend. So came the stand-up, sit-down, stand up thing again and his friend notices the black dress stuck in the crack, and before he could say anything, his friend pulls it out. " Now I know from last week that she don't like it that way," he explains " " so I pushed it back in." POP, POP................
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  #611  
Old 05-18-2010, 09:19 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

With all the little rascals seated in class, the teacher asks if anyone can use the word "stupid" in a sentence. Darla's hand shot up and was selected. " Buckwheat is stupid," she giggled. Then the teacher asked if anyone could use the word "dumb" in a sentence. Darla's hand shot up again and she said " Buckwheat is dumb". Then the teacher asked if anyone could use the word "dictate" in a sentence, and noticing Buckwheat had his hand up selected him. Buckwheat said, " Buckwheat may be tupid, an' Buckwheat may be dum, but Darla like the way his dictate".
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  #612  
Old 05-19-2010, 03:09 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."
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  #613  
Old 06-02-2010, 11:20 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A Rabbi and a Priest were officiating at an interfaith marriage and all through the ceremony each applied a little one-upmanship. When the marriage was completed and the couple were leaving, the priest gave it one last shot and broke out the holy water and blessed the car. The rabbi, not to be outdone, broke out a hacksaw and cut 2 inches of the tailpipe.
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  #614  
Old 06-16-2010, 09:18 AM
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A guy stops at the pharmacy and explains he needs condoms for an after-dinner heavy night with a hot broad. The pharmacist advised him to get the "big" pack. Later, sitting at the dinner table with her parents, he was told he ( as the guest of honor) was to say grace. So he put his hands up in prayer and somewhat hid his face behind them. After managing through some semblance of grace, he fell silent and remained in the prayer position for the longest time. She nudged him and whispered " you realize, we have to eat". He answered " Yeah,I know, but what I didn't realize was that your father was a pharmacist."



I came into this world with nothing.....I still have most of it left.
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  #615  
Old 06-21-2010, 05:48 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

An Englishman, out on a boat with an Irish captain, asked " Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water?"

To which the Irishman answered "Now if they fell forward, they'd still be in the f**kin' boat, wouldn't they?"
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