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  #586  
Old 12-08-2009, 05:27 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Susie, Tom , and Jim were shipwrecked on an island and after a while natural urges had them involved in sex together. This went on for two years and after some time Susie started to really feel bad about herself. Not being able to deal with the immorality of having sex with both of the men, she killed herself. After some time, the urges got the better of the two men and they went at it. For two years the sex was ok, but, the guilt finally got the better of them. They did the only thing they thought they could do......






They buried Susie.
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  #587  
Old 12-17-2009, 01:30 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The Paint Can!

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have
special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for
an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the
church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was
crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired..

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use
of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was
unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or
anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way
with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated
the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at
Lowe's, either.
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  #588  
Old 12-17-2009, 01:59 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Click image for larger version

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A CHILD'S PRAYER !!


"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen" !!!
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  #589  
Old 12-18-2009, 04:32 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

What do Tiger Woods and Santa have in common? ........Santa stops after three Ho's.

I know Tiger likes to play 18 holes but this is ridiculous;-)
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  #590  
Old 12-19-2009, 02:12 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Subject: LITTLE JOHNNY

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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  #591  
Old 12-23-2009, 10:32 AM
allchumdup allchumdup is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Three Japanese Gasha's sitting in a room when one says "When I get married, my hudabend have a one big dragon on his arm", Ah so they replied. The next said " When I get married, my husabend have one big dragon on his chest", Ah so they replied. The third Gasha said "When I get married, My husabend will have one big dragon on the floor", AAHH SOOO they replied!-----LOUIE
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  #592  
Old 12-23-2009, 12:33 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Chinese Couple Gets married
A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
” My darring”, he whispers, “I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten, I promise you, I give you anything you want, I do anything, juss anything you want. You juss ask”.
‘Whatchu want? ” he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.
She eventually shyly whisper back ” I want to try something I have heard about from odda girls …….. Numbaa 69 ”
More thoughtful silence,this time from him eventually, in a puzzled tone
He ask her ” You want …….. Garlic Chicken wiff Snow Peas ?”
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  #593  
Old 12-27-2009, 04:31 PM
hosenfeffer hosenfeffer is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Bert and Ernie are out bar hopping and realize they are running out of money. So they stop at a hot dog vendor outside the bar . After running up a tab at the next bar Bert holds the frank at his crotch and Ernie polishes the sausage. Bartender says,"all right you two get the [email protected]#$% outta here." They keep this up all night long.
Finally Ernie says, " Hey this is working great but we gotta switch my knees are killing me."
So Bert says, "Screw your knees I lost the hot dog in the second bar."
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  #594  
Old 12-29-2009, 08:05 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, itwill not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the differentreligions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a memberof their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over..

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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  #595  
Old 01-24-2010, 10:04 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A guy goes ito a diner and sits at the counter trying to figure out what he wants. Finally, he asks the counter man what the special of the day is. Tongue sandwich is the reply. " Nah", he says " I couldn't eat something that came out of animal's mouth." So the counterman asks " How about a couple of fried eggs then?"
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  #596  
Old 01-24-2010, 11:49 AM
hosenfeffer hosenfeffer is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Daddy ,Daddy I don't want to be a homo!!
Shut up and keep sucking.
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  #597  
Old 02-13-2010, 11:25 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

THE DOWNWARD SPIRALING LEVELS OF AGING

1. You forget names

2. You forget faces

3.You forget to zip up your fly

4. You forget to zip down your fly

5. You buy a boat
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  #598  
Old 02-14-2010, 10:44 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Vinny the Guinea is sitting on a bench eating candy bars one after the other. After some time a man on the opposite bench said " You know, son all that candy isn't good for you. It'll make you sick, give you acne, and make you fat." Vinny answered " Hey, y'know pal, my grandfather lived to a hundred 'n seven." The man asked " Did he eat six candybars at a time?" " No", said Vinny, " He minded his own freakin' business."
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  #599  
Old 02-16-2010, 10:31 AM
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Harriet goes to the doctor for a routine check-up and he notices several bruises and marks on her. When he asked her where they came from she answered " My husband." " When he comes home drunk, he beats up on me." The doc says " We can't have that, here's what I'd like you to do the next time he comes in drunk." " Have some iced tea in the fridge and when he comes in gargle with it. Resist the urge to do anything else and just keep gargling." A few weeks later she comes back to the doc for a follow-up visit and he sees that she has cleared up nicely. " I can't believe how well that worked," she said.

The doc explained," See what happens when you keep your mouth shut?"
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  #600  
Old 02-21-2010, 03:59 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Irish virginity test kit.


Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
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