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  #571  
Old 09-28-2009, 07:04 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A husband and wife were working out a non-verbal signal for sex. It was agreed that if he wanted sex he would reach over and give her breast two rubs. If she also wanted sex, she would reach over and give his two tugs. Then she asked," What if I don't want sex?" He answered, " Then just reach over and give it a hundred."
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  #572  
Old 10-03-2009, 07:36 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director how do you determine whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"








DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
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  #573  
Old 10-08-2009, 08:13 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A guy goes to the drug store to ask his friend for an all night solution to stay hard. He explained that he had twins coming ovver to spend the night, and wanted to be able to keep up with them. A true friend, the druggist gives him a pill, and tells him to quarter it and take it a half hour before the girls show up. The next day he goes back to the drug store to see his friend. When asked how the night went, he flips out his hammer and says " You tell me." It was all red, sore,and almost bleeding. " Now I need some linement," he says. The druggist replies " Whoa!, you don't want to put linement on that." " Nah," he says " the linement is for my arm, the girls never showed up."
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  #574  
Old 10-09-2009, 12:48 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The lady at the counter of the hardware store was highly insulted and called the manager when a prospective customer asked for a bastard file. The manager explained to her that a bastard file was a special " cut " of file and showed her one. The very next customer came in and asked for a file. She showed him one and asked, " One one of these little bastards, here?" "No", he pointed to the back, " one o' them big muthaf**kers over there."
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  #575  
Old 10-11-2009, 11:53 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

" Michael, if you were on a date having dinner witha nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded saying: " That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: " I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

" That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table"

" And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: " I would say....Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
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  #576  
Old 10-17-2009, 12:25 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Universal
Health Plan.
Allergists voted to scratch it, but
the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while
the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while
the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and
the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and
the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
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  #577  
Old 10-18-2009, 10:27 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'


'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.

'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile ?'


'I used a different cock,' he replied.


The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.
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  #578  
Old 10-27-2009, 11:54 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was upset about it and decided to talk to her about it.

She asked: " Now Maria, why do want a pay increase?"

Maria: " Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: " Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: " Your husband said so."
Wife: " Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said that you were a better cook than me?"
Maria:'Your husband did."

Wife: " Oh."

Maria: " The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: ( really furious now ) " Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora...the gardener did."
Wife " So how much do you want?"
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  #579  
Old 10-29-2009, 09:58 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake, with two frogs in his mouth.
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  #580  
Old 11-08-2009, 12:07 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

This should piss off a few.......

THE ONE THING GOD AND OBAMA HAVE IN COMMON IS NEITHER HAS A BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Oh yeah..........the other thing is........God doesn't think he's Obama
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  #581  
Old 11-12-2009, 09:24 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A woodpecker sitting on a pole in Kansas tried desparately to break into a metal box on the pole to get the locusts inside. All he succeeded in doing is chipping his beak. Just then, another woodpecker ( this one from New Jersey ) flew up and decided to help. " One side, buddy" he said and then easily blew a hole through the thin metal. Proving: The further away from home you are, the harder your pecker gets.
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  #582  
Old 11-15-2009, 01:56 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Wise words for all......Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece ( 469-399 BC ) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, " Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students..? " Wait a moment,," Socrates replied, " Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three. " " Test of Three?" Socrates said, " That's correct!" " Before you talk to me about my student let's take a mement to test what you're going to say. The first test is of Truth. Have you made absolutely sure what you are about to tell me is true?" " No " the man replied, " actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. " So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, which is about Goodness. Is what you about to tell me about my student something good?" " No, on the contrary....!" " So, " Socrates continued, " you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, and was a little embarrassed. Socrates then continued, " You may still be able to pass, because there is a third test....the " filter" of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" The man replied " No, not really...." Well, " concluded Socrates, " if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, and not even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed so he said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out Plato was banging his wife.
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  #583  
Old 11-19-2009, 06:03 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says: "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."

Love, Grandma
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  #584  
Old 11-23-2009, 08:07 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. And bought a mule for $100.



The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day..



The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."





Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."





The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already.."





They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."





The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"





Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."





The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"





Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"





A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.




"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"



They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"



Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.



They're overseeing the Bailout Program.




Limit all US politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison
Illinois already does this
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  #585  
Old 11-27-2009, 11:59 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

No one believes oldies . .. . everyone thinks they are senile.


An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved
"I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet
Sally quickly picked it up, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money.....fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,
they knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .... "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
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