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  #556  
Old 08-13-2009, 09:05 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The old couple meet on a Miami beach and strike up a conversation.

He: You married?

She: I'm a vidow. You?

He: I'm a vidower. Live alone?

She: Yeah, but it costs. You?

He: Yeah, me too. Y'know, I'm thinking, two could live as cheap as vun. Vee should move in together.

She: I'm sure two could live as cheap as vun, but I need to know two things before I would.

He: So, ask.

She: Vot's vit you and money?

He: I'm comftable. Got some stocks and securities, bit of a pension.

She: The only other thing is vot's vit you and sex?

He: Oh, infrequently.

She: Uh huh, is dis vun or two verds?
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  #557  
Old 08-14-2009, 09:00 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Three little boys were contesting who had the blackest father. The first said his father worked construction, and when he entered the depths of trench, he was barely visible. The second countered with the fact that his father worked the coal mines, and he was made to wear a hat with a light on it so that they knew where he was at. The third said " That ain't nothin'. The other day my daddy went to the doctor's office and he had to get an enema." He continued " They had to roll him in flour and make him fart so they could find his a**hole."
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  #558  
Old 08-17-2009, 09:33 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

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  #559  
Old 08-17-2009, 10:52 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The teacher asked the class to use the word beautiful in a sentence. "The flowers were beautiful." said Sally. "My dad bought a beautiful car." said Billy. From the back of the class Johnny says, " I can use it twice in the same sentence." "O.k. Johnny" said the teacher, " Why don't you stand up and give it a shot?" He answered, " The other day my sister came home and told my father she was pregnant." Dad shook his head and said, " Beautiful, f**kin' beautiful."
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  #560  
Old 08-18-2009, 10:45 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

"Sargeant Ronzoni, I've been observing private Linguini at the pistol range and he is a remarkable shot."

" Yes he is sir"

"I wonder what line of work was he in before he joined us?"

" Why is that, sir?"

"Well, it's just the way he takes out his handkerchief and wipes the fingerprints off the gun after every shot."
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  #561  
Old 08-20-2009, 12:39 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

On an Irish road a man pulls up to a gas station.
" Fill 'er up" he said when the attendant appeared.
" I'm sorry, we've no petrol" said the man.
" No petrol?, Well, could you check my oil, anyway?"
" We've no oil," said the attendant.
" What kind of filling station is this?' demanded the driver.
" Well, the truth is, it's not a filling station. It's a decoy site for the I.R.A."
" Oh, I see," said the driver. Well then , maybe you could blow my tires up for me."
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  #562  
Old 08-21-2009, 11:09 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Saul and Rose Epstein sat in the doctor's office waiting to hear why she was so lackluster. " How many times do you have sex each month, Rose?" asked the doctor. " Oh, sometimes once, rarely twice." she answered. "Well, There you have it. I want you to have sex 8 times a month, and come back and tell me how you're doing." advised the doc. Saul perks up and asks " Could you put me down for two?"
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  #563  
Old 08-28-2009, 01:47 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor for my annual checkup. She told me I had to stop masterbating. I asked her why and she told me, " because I'm trying to examine you ."
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  #564  
Old 08-30-2009, 11:11 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, " What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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  #565  
Old 09-02-2009, 01:54 PM
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An Italian, a Jew, and a Greek ( all young men) found themselves at the pearly gates and begged to go back, pleading their lives were cut short and really shouldn't be there so soon. They were allowed to back and stay with the provision that they do not sucumb to their own private temptation. The three found themselves walking down the sidewalk and enjoying life again. As they passed a pizza parlor, the Italian glanced in an saw a beautiful waitress with a fresh made pie. He couldn't stand it. As he turned to go in, poof!, he disappeared. The Jew and the Greek agreed they'd better be careful. The Jew spotted a quarter on the sidewalk ahead of them, and picked up his pace to beat the Greek to it by one step. As he bent over to pick it up, the Greek disappeared.
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  #566  
Old 09-07-2009, 12:27 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said," Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, " Yes there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, " My goodness, 5 loaves.... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me."
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  #567  
Old 09-12-2009, 10:25 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A psychology student decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he writes...

"Theme Party - Come as a Human Emotion"

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, " Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" The guy says " I'm Green with envy."
" Brilliant," says the host, " come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says the this woman..

"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

"I'm tickled pink" she replies.

" I love it," says the host, " come on in and join the party."

A couple of mlinutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two black guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of pudding and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says,

"Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies,

"Well I'm f**kin' discustid, and my friend here is deep in dispair"
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  #568  
Old 09-16-2009, 10:34 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A pirate was working his way to the bottom of a tankard of ale when a young man asked him about his peg leg. " Well, y'see", says he " I went overb'ard and a shark took me leg afore me mates could get me back."

"So that would explain the leg", said the young man, "what about the hook?"

"Aye, that came from a time when we were lashed up tight to another ship, in the heat of battle." He explained," One of them scum took me 'and off with a cutlass, so I was fitted with the 'ook."

"Uh huh, and the eye patch?" came the question.

" Seagull sh*t." He snorted. " Cost me the eye."

" How is that possible?" he asked.

"Y'see lad, I looked up t' check the sky, and a seagull got me square in th' eye." came the reply. " And t'was me first day with the 'ook."
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  #569  
Old 09-18-2009, 09:45 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A blonde finally found the glass doorknob she she'd been after. In the old hardware store the clerk noticed the set screw was missing. He asked, " Do you wanna screw for the doorknob?" She thought for a second and replied, " No, but I'll blow you for that toaster up there."
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  #570  
Old 09-23-2009, 01:33 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

When her husband told her that she might try rinsing her panties in Slim-Fast to help her butt shrink, she didn't get pissed. The next morning when he was putting on his underwear, he asked her why they were dusted with green talcum power. She said," That's not talcum, it's Miracle Grow."
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