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  #451  
Old 06-15-2008, 12:45 PM
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MASSfisher0311 MASSfisher0311 is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

How did Helen Kellers mom punish her?


Put the plunger upside down in the toilet.........


How did Helen Keller break her hand while driving?

She tried to read the stop sign doing 50. (people might not get this one....think brail)
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  #452  
Old 06-15-2008, 01:03 PM
StrawMan StrawMan is offline
 
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A young Marine is sitting in his bunk on down time when an Officer comes in to the barracks. The officer goes up to the young Marine and says "Son do you have a dollar I can borrow?" The young Marine says "Sure." The officer then begins to scream "WHATTA YA MEAN SURE? THAT IS NOT HOW YOU ADDRESS AN OFFICER YOU PIECE OF POND SCUM GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 20!!" So the young Marine does his push ups and stands up at attention. The Officer says "Now I ask again, can I borrow a dollar?" The young Marine then yells out "SIR, NO SIR"
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  #453  
Old 06-17-2008, 05:21 PM
54EXPRESS 54EXPRESS is offline
 
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Walking through the jungle, an elephant meets a naked man.
The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,
'How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?'
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  #454  
Old 06-17-2008, 05:22 PM
54EXPRESS 54EXPRESS is offline
 
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A Texas woodpecker and a New Mexico woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said Texas had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The New Mexico woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Texas woodpecker was amazed.

The New Mexico woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in New Mexico that was absolutely im-peck-able (a term woodpeckers like to use).

The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge. So the two flew to New Mexico where the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peck-able tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the New Mexico woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the New Mexico tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state?? Huh?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the
same conclusion:......

Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
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  #455  
Old 06-17-2008, 05:23 PM
54EXPRESS 54EXPRESS is offline
 
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled fillet of camel ass!!!
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  #456  
Old 06-18-2008, 02:51 AM
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MASSfisher0311 MASSfisher0311 is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Hope this wasn't already posted:

A women gets pulled over on her way to work . The cop asks the usual question "Why are you in such a hurry?" The women replies that she is late for work and he cuts her off and says "I suppose you have a really important job like a doctor where it's a matter of life and death that you be there huh". The lady says no actually I am a asshole stretcher. The cop says "an asshole stretcher what is that"" She says it is where you start with one finger and then work in a second until you got your whole hand in there and then the other hand and you keep stretching until it is about six feet. The cop says well what do you do with a six foot asshole? The lady says give them a gun and badge and have them pull people over that are late for work
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  #457  
Old 06-18-2008, 02:56 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

This one isn't that funny but I like it cause it's true. I hate the media!

News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine." "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis where dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?" "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?"
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  #458  
Old 06-22-2008, 07:06 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Loyalty in Marriage


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him , he whispered, eyes full of tears. You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house , you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were there still by my side. You know what?
What dear? she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
I think you're bad luck, get the &*%$ away from me.
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  #459  
Old 06-22-2008, 07:09 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

First picture from NASA of water on Mars, amazing and outstanding!!


https://www.stripers247.com/WaterOnMars2_gcc.jpg


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  #460  
Old 06-24-2008, 01:33 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most Americans naively thought this was cosmetic or connected with religion.

Here's the true story. The dot concerns family finances. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in the United States .

If nothing is under the dot, he must stay in India and take a job giving technical advice over the telephone.
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  #461  
Old 06-24-2008, 02:31 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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  #462  
Old 06-26-2008, 08:30 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.


Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.


His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...
what happened last night?'


'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.


Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean?


I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'


His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,


'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
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and go home to a woman who appreciates how full of crap I truly am"..... Crash Davis
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  #463  
Old 06-30-2008, 01:11 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed
continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs..



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  #464  
Old 07-04-2008, 05:58 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up into my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

. . . . and that's when the fight started...


































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  #465  
Old 07-05-2008, 07:18 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

~~~~~
An Army Ranger was on vacation in Louisiana and wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes. However, the local vendors were asking very high prices. So the Army Ranger decided to go into the swamps and get his own alligator and then have the shoes made at a more reasonable price. When he mentioned this to one of the shopkeepers, he was told that he might run into a couple of Marines who had decided to do the same thing.
So the Ranger headed into the bayou and a few hours later he saw the two Marines. They were standing waist deep in the water. The Ranger then saw a huge gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
The Ranger then heard one of the Marines shout, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
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