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  #361  
Old 11-03-2007, 09:12 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION...

1. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has
a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed.

2. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.

3. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

4. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one
in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full
aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with
Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes
like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there,
too.

5. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types
of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass.
A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of
that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you
can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

6. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the
time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold
his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

7. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le
Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is
with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above
films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC
(spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags
when they Flame out too.
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  #362  
Old 11-13-2007, 03:15 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Old Harold
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down:
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.............
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  #363  
Old 11-13-2007, 06:55 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

haha,,, I like that one Jim. I could have used that line a couple times today.
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  #364  
Old 11-16-2007, 11:34 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

SKINNY DIPPING
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies Swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.
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  #365  
Old 11-28-2007, 11:18 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go

with a White House official to examine the fence.



The Florida Contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then

works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run

about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Tennessee Contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I

can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit

for me."



The New Jersey Contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White

House official and whispers,"$2,700."



The Official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys !

How did you come up with such a high figure ?"



The New Jersey Contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we

hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."



"Done !" replies the Government Official.



And that, my friends, is how it all works !!!
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  #366  
Old 11-30-2007, 08:39 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES
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  #367  
Old 12-02-2007, 11:13 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Jewish Math...

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon !
All he wants is anal sex and my a$$hole is now the size of a 50 cent
piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live
in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents ! Are you crazy?"
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  #368  
Old 12-03-2007, 11:03 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Surgeon Discussion

The first surgeon, from New York, says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah,
but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them are in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those
guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut
them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's
no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine,
and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
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  #369  
Old 12-03-2007, 02:32 PM
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  #370  
Old 12-04-2007, 10:07 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "
"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent. "
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  #371  
Old 12-04-2007, 10:09 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the hell out of me.




So that's it!......





After today, no more reading.
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  #372  
Old 12-12-2007, 11:50 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Subject: First Holiday Groaner


A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise!"




AAAaaargh...........
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  #373  
Old 12-14-2007, 05:08 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A man takes his wife to the livestock show, and they look at the various bulls in their pens.

The first bull has a sign on his pen saying, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one too."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
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  #374  
Old 12-23-2007, 03:19 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED


1) Schizophrenia ---- Do You Hear What I Hear ... the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia -- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing.... About Me

4) Manic -- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...........

5) Multiple Personality Disorder ----We Three Kings Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid ---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I Won't Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia ---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day ... But Wouldn't Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia ---Walking In a Winter Wonderland ....Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
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  #375  
Old 12-23-2007, 10:32 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Thought I'd drop this here:


THIS IS GOOD READ THE WHOLE THING

WOW

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK



SIGN IN A STORE
WINDOW

"WE
WOULD RATHER
DO
BUSINESS WITH
1000
AL QAEDA
TERRORISTS
THAN
WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, We are a society which holds
Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business
would dare post such a sign.
Answer:
A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no
sense of humor?)
You
gotta love it!!!
God
Bless America





JOE WIZ
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