Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody - Page 24 - Stripers247.com Forums
 
Striped Bass Fishing Site Map | Contact Us | Fishing Log Software | Fishing Online | Advertise
to UPLOAD: please register or login

Go Back   Stripers247.com Forums > Around The Woodstove > The Lounge
Forgot Password? Register Now!!

The Lounge Off-topic discussion here. Non-fishing related chit chat & banter. No Divisive subject matter - No Viscious Political and Religious debates please.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #346  
Old 09-27-2007, 08:06 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:
YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES...


YOU HAVE NO WORRIES ...


YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU...


YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...


YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...


YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND
KISSES...

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

Scroll Down...























IN THE WRONG F&$#*@G HOUSE!
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #347  
Old 09-27-2007, 08:09 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following
him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and
said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out
of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he
went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
Reply With Quote
  #348  
Old 09-30-2007, 08:56 AM
Joe Wiz's Avatar
Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
First Mate
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: S.I.N.Y.....TOMS RIV. NJ
Posts: 1,014
Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom.




�I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" �

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them.�"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!" �

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. �There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions." �
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #349  
Old 10-03-2007, 06:54 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Something to offend nearly everyone

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row , Row , Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday , the Sex Ed class uses it

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins , "Once upon a timeA southern fairytale begins , "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run , jump or swim are already in the United States
Reply With Quote
  #350  
Old 10-03-2007, 12:58 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke of the day - Something to offend nearly everyone

SyracuseNY (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Onondaga County courtroom drama
yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a
history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping
with the child custody law requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly
refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and
said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of
allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted
temporary custody to the Buffalo Bills Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of beating anyone.
Reply With Quote
  #351  
Old 10-03-2007, 01:04 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke of the day - Something to offend nearly everyone

THREE MALE DOGS


Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells th em, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .







"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Reply With Quote
  #352  
Old 10-07-2007, 12:06 PM
Joe Wiz's Avatar
Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
First Mate
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: S.I.N.Y.....TOMS RIV. NJ
Posts: 1,014
Default Re: Joke of the day - Something to offend nearly everyone

Subject: Wedding Ring

True Story from Houston Medical Center
A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found
the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used
petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
Now you decide what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Reply With Quote
  #353  
Old 10-19-2007, 12:31 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

FIRST PAY CHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lo t.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while
they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us. 'My goodness gracious,'said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f****ing sheet rock...'
Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.
Reply With Quote
  #354  
Old 10-19-2007, 12:33 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really Know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty!"

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Reply With Quote
  #355  
Old 10-22-2007, 08:13 AM
Joe Wiz's Avatar
Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
First Mate
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: S.I.N.Y.....TOMS RIV. NJ
Posts: 1,014
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."

"He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other.

The n, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??
Reply With Quote
  #356  
Old 10-23-2007, 07:26 PM
zimno1's Avatar
zimno1 zimno1 is offline
Old Salt
Pro Staff
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: staten island
Posts: 5,926
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

what's the smartest thing that ever came out of a womans mouth?
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
SCROLL TO NEXT REPLY



Reply With Quote
  #357  
Old 10-23-2007, 07:28 PM
zimno1's Avatar
zimno1 zimno1 is offline
Old Salt
Pro Staff
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: staten island
Posts: 5,926
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Einstiens d*ck!



Reply With Quote
  #358  
Old 10-29-2007, 12:14 PM
Joe Wiz's Avatar
Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
First Mate
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: S.I.N.Y.....TOMS RIV. NJ
Posts: 1,014
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

This is sure to become a classic!

Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry
the eagle

waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious
years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot Dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of
mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a Dove, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove
out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to
the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, I am a LOON I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest . This time the sex was great, but all the duck would says was......(scroll down)






No, the duck didn't say THAT. Don't be disgusting.
The duck said, "I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE!
Reply With Quote
  #359  
Old 10-29-2007, 12:22 PM
LittleCasino's Avatar
LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
ISBA Chief
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Indianapolis,IN
Posts: 1,573
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A man calls home one day to ask his wife a question. To his surprise, his daughter answers the phone, or so he thinks...

"Hello?" she asks.

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

*Brief Pause*

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do: Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."


***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
__________________
Indiana Striped Bass Association




"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






Reply With Quote
  #360  
Old 11-01-2007, 12:26 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

To my darling husband

Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about a small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kindhearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.


Your loving wife.

XXX















PS Your girlfriend called

Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
day, insult, joke

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Valentine's Day Facts: Striperjim The Lounge 3 02-13-2009 10:41 AM
joke of the day mikeyred The Lounge 1 03-16-2007 08:23 PM
Fishing Music Library ! TonyDB The Lounge 28 10-16-2006 06:09 AM
Now, a Day at the Beach Can Mean a Day in Court CaptainMorgan! The Lounge 0 09-04-2005 02:19 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:08 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Copyright 2004 - 2013 Stripers247.com LLC
Affiliated Sites:   Noreast.com   Allcoast.com    2coolfishing.com