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  #331  
Old 08-13-2007, 09:41 AM
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Talking Re: Joke Of The Day

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."
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  #332  
Old 08-15-2007, 06:32 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

The old man was watching his grandson out in the front yard and made the lad a bet. " See that worm poking his head out of the ground?" says grandpa," I'll give you a dollar if you can pull him out of the ground without breaking him." So the boy grabs the tip of the worm and ever so slowly pulls the stretched-out worm from the ground. Grandpa gives him a dollar and says " Now,I'll give you two if you can put him back in". So the boy says he would, if grandpa would wait about an hour. In an hour the boy produces the worm from the freezer and just hammers him back in. A bet's a bet, so grandpa gives him two more. The next day grandpa calls the boy over and gives him a five. When asked what it was for, grandpa replied " For nailing that worm into the ground" " You gave me two for that yesterday" the lad replied. " I know " says gramps " The five is from grandma"
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  #333  
Old 08-16-2007, 03:48 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Little Johnny was squirming and scratching his crotch and generally causing and disturbance in the back of the classroom. The teacher went back and asked him what was going on. He confided in her that he'd just gotten circumsized and it itched and bothered him. The teacher threw him out of class, saying "Go to the principal's office and call your mother." He came back to the class and went to his seat in the back causing a real commotion. When she went back there, she saw he was sitting unzipped with his willy hanging for all to see. " I thought I told you to go to the principal's office and call your mother" she growled. " I did " said Johnny " and she told me if I could stick it out 'til noon, she'd pick me up."
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  #334  
Old 08-26-2007, 12:22 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 pounds.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
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  #335  
Old 08-26-2007, 09:46 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a
circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious,

he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts: animals, >>> clowns,
contortionists, etc.

Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the
center ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three
walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall, and >>> barely

able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out an impressive,
prodigious member, grabs it in his hand, and proceeds to smash all three

walnuts with three mighty swings!



The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly
Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Twenty years later, the same salesman visits the same little town and
sees the same circus being advertised with the same (now faded) banner
reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!"

Our friend the salesman can't believe the old guy is still alive, much >>> less

still doing his act! So, he buys a ticket and sits through the various >>> acts,

waiting for the big finale.

Finally, the center ring is illuminated.
This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As >>> before,

old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly >>> and

proceeds to smash the coconuts with three swings of his amazing schlong.

The crowd goes wild!

The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In Goldstein's

dressing room, the salesman tells him he's never seen anything like
Goldstein's

act. But, he wants to know why Goldstein, at his age, is now smashing
coconuts
instead of the much easier walnuts.







"Vell," says Goldstein, wearily,




"My eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"
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  #336  
Old 08-28-2007, 10:45 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel
and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk Clerk; hands them a bill
for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York ,
Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with
my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have



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  #337  
Old 08-29-2007, 05:30 PM
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LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will....



After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs.Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,

Wal- Mart
__________
__________________
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"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






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  #338  
Old 08-31-2007, 04:53 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Journey of Man



When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.


She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits.
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  #339  
Old 09-03-2007, 12:55 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

TRAGEDY!

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteer.

Reverend Al searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaim Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."



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  #340  
Old 09-05-2007, 12:58 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Thai
Phom rak khun
Italian
Ti amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama,
Arkansas,
Texas,
North Carolina,
South Carolina,
Georgia,
Tennessee,
Missouri,
Mississippi,
Louisiana,
Virginia,
West Virginia,
Kentucky,
parts of Florida...

Nice Ass, Get in the truck.
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  #341  
Old 09-18-2007, 08:41 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
*The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
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  #342  
Old 09-24-2007, 04:54 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

What's for Dinner?

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. "Well", he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl shouts at her brother " Don't eat it ! It's an asshole "
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  #343  
Old 09-24-2007, 11:28 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Gladys Dunn recently moved into a retirement community in a small town.
One beautiful Sunday morning she walked down the street to a church not
far from her apartment. Gladys was in awe of the big beautiful church
building as she stepped inside to attend the worship service.
Gladys however, wasn't too impressed with the sermon. She thought it was
kind of boring and, as she looked around the church, she noticed that
many of the members were nodding off.
When the preacher finished his sermon he encouraged the congregation to
greet those sitting close by.
Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left. He, too, had fallen
asleep and was yawning and stretching trying to wake up. He smiled at
her, and Gladys returned the smile.
She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."
"You and me both!" the man replied.
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  #344  
Old 09-26-2007, 03:36 PM
Toothfish Toothfish is offline
 
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

I really don't have time to look through all these jokes to see if this one has been told ...

A traveling salesman's car breaks down in a very rural area with no cell phone service. Up the road is a farm house and so he walks up only to find the kindly old farmer has no phone. The farmer says the repair shop in the little town is closed for the evening but the salesman was welcome to spend the night and he would pull his car into town in the morning. After some thought of a home cooked meal ,the traveling salesman agreed.
During the evening he found that the farmer had a lovely daughter in her early 20s and that the kindly old gentleman absolutely loved poetry. After listening to many poems they all retired for the night.
In the morning the old farmer pulled the salesman's car into town and in a short time he was on his way. A few months later the salesman receives a letter from the farmer , and the letter read :

Were you the one that did the pushin'
left the feet print on the cushion
upside down ?
Since you seen my little nelly
she's been swelling at the belly !
Don't you think you should come back to this town ?


After reading the letter the salesman respond :

Yes ! I was the one that did the pushin'
and left the feet print on the cushion
up side down.
Since I seen your little venus
I've been leaking at the penis !
Don't you think we are fifty fifty all around ?
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  #345  
Old 09-26-2007, 08:09 PM
559fish 559fish is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Walmart Interview

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?", he asked the second man. "Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of"

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....

Have a good day!!

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