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  #316  
Old 07-07-2007, 01:24 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: April 6, 2006

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!
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  #317  
Old 07-07-2007, 01:26 PM
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: ‘Polish Remover’
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  #318  
Old 07-07-2007, 01:34 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."
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  #319  
Old 07-07-2007, 05:50 PM
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Ten things you will not hear a man say

1 Let's watch Lifetime!
2 Sex is overrated.
3 I don't want to go too far on the first date.
4 Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
5 There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
6 I'm glad I don't have a large penis.
7 My hips are too big.
8 Aw, can't we watch Oprah?
9 Does this suit make me look fat?
10 I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.
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  #320  
Old 07-07-2007, 05:51 PM
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2 Old Gals

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink
and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately
asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
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  #321  
Old 07-12-2007, 04:55 AM
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Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
"Big People' words."
She then asked little Zach what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
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  #322  
Old 07-14-2007, 12:49 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A Jewish woman on the beach in Florida watched as a man spread his towel, sat down and started to read his book. She asked " Do you come here often?" He answers " Yeah, since my wife passed away a year ago", and goes back to his book. Now she's interested and asks " Do you live near here?" He looks up from his book and says " Yeah, in the upscale condos on Pompano Blvd." Now she's really interested and desparately wants to keep the conversation going. So she asks " Do you like pussycats?" At this point he puts his book down, jumps to her towel, tears off her bathing suit and his and gives her a ride like she never had before. As the sand starts to settle she asks " How......how did you know that's what I wanted?" He answers " How did you know my name was Katz ?"
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  #323  
Old 07-18-2007, 11:55 AM
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A young man applies for a job as a salesman in a multi-faceted, multi-floored department store. The manager agreed to try him for one day, with the results determining whether he'd be hired. At the end of the day the manager asked the new prospect how many customers he'd served. " Just one,sir " was his answer. " Well, I don't know" said the manager " Most of our staff have 50 to 60 customers a day" " How much was the sale?" The newbie replied " $87,453.29, sir" " How on earth did you do that ?" the manager asked. " By using associated sales, sir" "You see, a gentleman came in and I steered him to the fishing department. He bought some hooks and line, so I told him to upgrade to a new fishing rod and reel. Then I steered him to the second floor to the boating department and told him if he was going he'd need a boat. Once that was in place, I took him to the fourth floor to see the trailers that would be good for his boat. After I asked him how he was going to tow that trailer, I took him to the sixth floor and talked him into a new SUV." " Wow" said the manager " you did all that when the guy just came in for hooks and line?" "Well, not really, sir" his answer. " The guy actually came in for tampons for his wife" "I told him, there's nothing going to happen around your house this weekend, you might as well go fishing." < hired >
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  #324  
Old 07-23-2007, 10:21 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.
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  #325  
Old 07-23-2007, 01:00 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDH: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
HILLARY CLINTON: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
BILL CLINTON: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never.


and finally . heres one I added.
THE DEGENERATE. He must have spotted my woody.


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  #326  
Old 07-26-2007, 03:01 AM
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The Irish

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet.
Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....
"I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from the front of the audience yells out....
"Then fookin' stop clappin', ya arsehole!"
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  #327  
Old 07-31-2007, 02:40 PM
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Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed
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  #328  
Old 08-03-2007, 12:02 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Fred and Linda got married, and, as they were not in their own house yet, they stayed at his parents. Tommy, Fred's kid brother, asks his mom at breakfast "Did Fred and Linda come down yet?" His mom answers " No." "Ya' know what I think?" says Tommy. Mom says" nevermind what you think. Finish your breakfast and get to school." Tommy comes home from school and asks if Fred and Linda came down yet. After getting a "no", he says " Ya' know what I think?" Mom says " Nevermind what you think, walk the dog and then do your homework." At supper Tommy again asks if Fred and Linda came down yet. "No" is the answer. " Ya' know what I think?" " Oh, for cryin' out loud, what do you think?"says mom. Tommy says" Last night Freddie came into my room in the dark and asked me for the tube of vaseline." "I think I gave him my airplane glue."
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  #329  
Old 08-05-2007, 11:54 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Q: what do you get when you put 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room together??


A: 100 people in a room that don't do dick!!!
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  #330  
Old 08-11-2007, 05:30 AM
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The teacher, showing the class an experiment, stood on her head. She asked "Why do you think my face turned all red? " The class all seemed to agree that it was because the blood rushed to her head. When she stood up again she asked "Why doesn't it rush to my feet? " A small voice in the back said " 'cause your feet ain't empty."
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