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  #301  
Old 06-07-2007, 03:13 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. " This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

Mom says "He's a martyr now."

"Oh, so sad, my dear."

Mom flips to another picture. " And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him, He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mom sighs " He's a martyr, too."

" Oh gracious me." says the other mother.

" And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18." Mom whispers.

"Yes." says her friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also." Mom says with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says " They blow up so fast , don't they?"
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  #302  
Old 06-07-2007, 06:16 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

In the nursing home, Henry goes to Edna's room every day and they have a relationship that includes sex. Sex, to them, is his slipping his hand up between her legs while she holds his " willy" quietly for a spell. This has gone on forever, it seems, and it was fine. Edna met Henry in the hallway, after not seeing him for two weeks. "Where have you been?" she asks. "Upstairs, with the widow Jenkins, in room 302." he answered. " I thought we had something going." says she " So, what does she have that I haven't got?" He replies " Parkinsons ."
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  #303  
Old 06-08-2007, 02:42 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how can I make a Woman truly happy."



The Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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  #304  
Old 06-11-2007, 11:59 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.




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  #305  
Old 06-12-2007, 12:02 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of
it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!


Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.


Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.


Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.


Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin ,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
" Taxes drove me to my doom..."
When he's gone,

Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax

Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax

Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax

Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,


and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.


We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the
world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.




And I still have to "press 1"


for English.



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  #306  
Old 06-12-2007, 12:03 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? she said "if i tell you it will defeat the purpose!



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  #307  
Old 06-12-2007, 12:04 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?



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  #308  
Old 06-12-2007, 12:05 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?



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  #309  
Old 06-14-2007, 04:03 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens
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  #310  
Old 06-18-2007, 09:41 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A small boy loses his grandpa in the mall. He goes up to a uniformed policeman and says " I've lost my grandpa." The policeman asks "What's he like ?" The small boy hesitates for a minute and replies " Dewars on the rocks, and women with big boobs."
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  #311  
Old 06-22-2007, 02:54 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A 75 year old brought his 28 year old wife to the hospital to have their child. When questioned about his ability to father a child he said " Ya' gotta keep that old engine runnin'." On the following child he was asked again and repeated " Ya gotta keep that old engine runnin' ." On the third child, when he made the same comment, the nurse said "It's about time you change the oil." " Why is that?" he asked. She answered " 'cause this one's black."
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  #312  
Old 06-23-2007, 09:14 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A blonde is seated on an airplane next to a lawyer. As much as she tried to ignore him an go to sleep, she finally was interested when he asked her if she'd like to play a game to make the time pass. His game involved asking her a question and if she could not answer it she had to give him $5. Then she would ask him a question and if he coudn't answer it he'd give her $500. ( arrogant cuss) So he asks her if she knew the square root of 25. Not knowing, she gave him $5. On her turn she asked him " What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" Then she rolled off to sleep. He searched his laptop, called everyone he knew on his cell phone, all to no avail. Finally, not knowing the answer he wakes her, and gives her $500. She takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. Now fuming, he wakes her again and asks her " What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" She hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
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  #313  
Old 06-26-2007, 09:40 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Ol' Edna, despondent over Henry's passing, decides to end it all. She digs out his old service revolver and calls a friend to find out exactly where her heart is located. ( She wants this to be one shot, and quick) She was told it was located just under the left breast. That night she was admitted to the emergency room with a gunshot wound to the left knee.
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  #314  
Old 07-02-2007, 11:57 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My Wife's.."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passedbetween the two
men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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  #315  
Old 07-07-2007, 12:46 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

I rear-ended a car the other day. The guy got out and came to my car. He was a dwarf! He was pissed and said " I'm not happy." I said " OK, which one are you? "
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