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  #271  
Old 03-23-2007, 07:24 PM
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LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Will I live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit?"
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  #272  
Old 03-31-2007, 05:39 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Two elderly residents, an old Marine and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of the Village nursing home one evening.

The old Marine looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old Marine continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,"
says the old Marine. "Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocker."
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  #273  
Old 04-02-2007, 04:18 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A Texan not satisfied to be in the " second largest" state, moves to Alaska and asks what it takes to become a resident. He's told by the committee ( I guess they have one for those affairs ) " You must down a quart of whiskey, kill a Kodiak bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman". He downs the quart in one shot, wipes his face on his sleeve, and drunkedly disappears into the snow filled woods. The next morning he comes back from the woods. He's torn to shreds, beat up and bleeding and asks......" now , where's that Eskimo woman you want me to kill?"
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  #274  
Old 04-04-2007, 01:00 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man, watching a a boy in a firehat, saw that the dog pulling his wagon had the rope around his testicles. The poor dog would take one or two labored steps and howl. So the man said to the boy, " Ya' know Chief, if you put that rope around the dog's neck, you'd go a lot faster". The boy answered back " Yeah, I know .....but then I wouldn't have a siren"
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  #275  
Old 04-04-2007, 09:59 PM
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A young nurse left in charge of gerontology ward noticed the old man sitting by the window. He was starting to lean over to his left. She quickly placed a large pillow on that side after righting him. They exchanged smiles and she left him. A few moments later he started to go to the right. Catching him before he got too far, she " pillowed " that side too. When the veteran nurse came back she asked the old man how the new nurse was working out. " She seems nice enough, I guess" he said " but, I wish she would let me fart".
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  #276  
Old 04-05-2007, 12:23 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book.


Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"




"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."




"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.





MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.




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  #277  
Old 04-05-2007, 06:10 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A small bird was freezing, almost in danger of dying. As he lay on the ground a horse came up and crapped all over him. The bird revitalized by the new warmth, squirmed around and ate the undigested seeds in the manure. Soon he was strong enough to poke his head out and sing. A hawk hearing the tune, swooped down and snatched up the bird as a meal.

Moral to the story: Not everyone who craps on you is necessarily your enemy.....not everyone who pulls you out of a pile of crap is necessarily your friend.....if you're feeling comfortable, but you're full of s**t...keep your mouth shut.
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  #278  
Old 04-06-2007, 01:39 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

I think you're the father of one of my kids...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman waving at him. She says hello, but he's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
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  #279  
Old 04-07-2007, 08:51 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Pouring a scotch for the golfer at the 19th hole, the bartender asked how his game was that day. "Terrible, I only hit two good balls all day" he answered....."and that's because I stepped on a rake in the sand trap".
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  #280  
Old 04-08-2007, 08:23 AM
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Three guys die and are at the gates. Before they enter they must answer a question about their faith. St. Peter asks the 1'st " What does Easter mean to you?". "Ah yes" he says "It's a holy day when we get together and give thanks over a turkey and..... " no, no, no, you'll have to wait" says St. Pete. " #2, what does Easter meant to you?" he asks again. "Ummm....let's see, we celebrate Christ. We get a tree and decorate it and... "nope, missed the mark a bit there" Says St. Pete. " #3 What do you say? Explain Easter". " Well sir, we celebrate Christ" ( and St. Peter is thinking, I've heard this before) " you see he was Crucified and was buried in a cave with a big stone put in front of it, and 3 days later the stone is move away......"Wait !" Says St. Pete " you other two, come over here and listen. This guy knows what he's talking about." " Go on" says St. Pete. " Like I said," says #3 ...3days later the stone is moved ... and he comes out. Now, if he sees his shadow, there's six more weeks of winter.......

Happy Easter all
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  #281  
Old 04-10-2007, 03:10 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

LAS VEGAS TOURIST


After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me
a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!"
gasped the girl.
Then she looked him over, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty
slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the
same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist.
"Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh
cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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  #282  
Old 04-10-2007, 12:00 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his
usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both
cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the
homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a big party last night," the
mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for
some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Heck, we got so drunk around
midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Dang, I'm sorry I missed that!"

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
seven times...."
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  #283  
Old 04-14-2007, 05:28 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".
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  #284  
Old 04-14-2007, 05:40 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A penguin's car breaks down in the desert and he drags himself all the way into town. He finds a mechanic and tells him where the car is. They both set off, the mechanic into the desert for the car, and the penguin towards the air conditioned fountain to get something cold. Later when the mechanic gets back he gives the penguin the car's diagnosis. He says " It looks like you blew a seal". The penguin looks down at the front of himself and says "Nah, that's just ice cream".
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  #285  
Old 04-15-2007, 11:44 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

!st lady: " My cheapass boyfriend bought me a mood ring"
2nd lady: " Does it work?"
!st lady: " Yeah, it does. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a little red mark on his forehead."
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