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  #211  
Old 12-08-2006, 10:23 AM
sadlsorz sadlsorz is offline
 
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man from West Virginia takes his daughter to a gynocologist for birth control pills. While taking her information the nurse asked the father if his daughter was sexually active. The father replied, " no, she just lays there like her mother."
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  #212  
Old 12-08-2006, 12:05 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!" the man says.
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean.
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said,"You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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  #213  
Old 12-10-2006, 01:12 AM
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  #214  
Old 12-10-2006, 02:30 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and the Yankees fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Boston fan is holding his slapped face.
The Boston fan is thinking, "That Yankees fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."
Pamela is thinking, "That Boston fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Yankees fan, and got slapped for it."
And the Yankees fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Boston fan again".
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  #215  
Old 12-10-2006, 11:35 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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  #216  
Old 12-11-2006, 06:31 AM
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Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A postal worker, whose job it was to read illegible mail came across a letter addressed to GOD. Reading it, he found out it was an 83 old woman, whose purse was stolen with $100 in it. She wondered if God could help her since she had invited folks over for Christmas dinner and now couldn't find a way to pay for the food. The postal worker passed the hat, and after everyone had donated, mailed the collected $96 to the old lady " from god ". They all felt good. A few days later, another letter arrives addressed to GOD. Opening it he finds she has written a marvelous thank you to God. She also notes that the sum was $4 short, and remarks to God " it must have been those bastards down at the post office"
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  #217  
Old 12-12-2006, 10:46 AM
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A BAD DAY....The entrance requirements to heaven now include your last day having been a " bad day ". Three gents are now being separately questioned. 1st guy's answer: I was exercizing on my 26th floor balcony when I flipped over the rail. I managed to catch the 25th floor rail and was hanging there. Inside I heard a commotion and a maniac appears at the railing. He beats my fingers with his shoe until I fall 25 floors through a tree to the ground and lay looking up. I'm unable to move but still alive. Next thing I know he shoves a refigerator over the railing and finishes me off. Ist guy gets into heaven. 2nd guy's answer: I long suspected my wife of having an affair so I came home form the office in the middle of the day. There he was hanging from the balcony hiding. I beat his fingers until he fell,but does he die? No! So I shoved the refrigerator over the railing and fix him real good. I'm an office worker, in the excitment, I get a heart attack and die. 2nd guy gets into heaven. 3rd guy's answer: Did I have a bad day? OK , picture this, I'm naked in this woman's apartment , hiding in a refrigerator..........
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  #218  
Old 12-12-2006, 10:06 PM
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zimno1 zimno1 is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Subject: Involuntary muscular contractions

A Western Illinois University Professor was giving a lecture on
"Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his First year medical
students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
Decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied : "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."




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  #219  
Old 12-13-2006, 01:57 AM
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Striperjim Striperjim is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in
front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador
retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up
for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."
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  #220  
Old 12-13-2006, 06:00 PM
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Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Big bad biker is in the dentist's office and is told the tooth has to go. "OK, he says, Pull it out". The dentist gets a needle with novacaine, and the biker says " I dont need none of that shit". " I've only felt pain twice in my life, just pull the tooth". The dentist says " Why dont you tell me about it, and if I think you can stand it , I'll just pull it". So the biker recounts the story. "The first time, I was toolin' down the highway and had to take a dump. So I pulled over, kicked down the stand, and headed into the weeds. I dropped my draws and squat right on a bear trap. Well, it snapped shut right on my jewels." At this the dentist cringed and then asked " when was the second time?" The biker replied " when the slack ran out of the chain".
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  #221  
Old 12-14-2006, 06:19 AM
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Striperjim Striperjim is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

This illustrates how we have become totally dependent on our computers...

Are you male or female?

To know the answer, look down!!!













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Not here, Stupid
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  #222  
Old 12-14-2006, 03:09 PM
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LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

One day a kindegarten teacher was explaining to her class the definition of the word "Definitely". To make sure the class had a firm understanding of the word she asked who could use it in a sentence.
One of the children raised their hand,she pointed to the little boy.
"The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher corrected her pupil and stated,"Not so, the sky is sometimes cloudy and grey. Anyone else?"
Another child raised her hand and the teacher called on her.
"The grass is definitely green." she proclaimed.
The teacher responded,"Not definitely, if grass does'nt get rain it turns brown, anyone else?"
A little boy raised his hand and asked,"Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher replied,"They most certainly do not, and I believe that is not appropriate for class discussion."
The boy retorted,"Then I Definitely $h!t in my pants."
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  #223  
Old 12-14-2006, 04:40 PM
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Striperjim Striperjim is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Old Poodle
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies & before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him & he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use & trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, & figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans & strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of & says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back & see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back & thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, & just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story: Don't mess with old farts...age & treachery will always overcome youth & skill! BS & brilliance only come with age & experience!
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  #224  
Old 12-16-2006, 05:05 PM
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Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

The little rascals are in school and the eacher asks the class if anyone can use the word dumb in a sentence. Darla's hand shot up, " Buckwheat is dumb", her answer. Then the teacher asked could anyone use the word stupid in a sentence. Darla's hand up again, answers " Buckwheat is stupid ". The teacher asks now if anyone could use the word dictate in a sentence. Buckwheat's hand goes up and the teacher calls on him. He says, " Buckwheat may be dumb, and Buckwheat may be stupid, but Darla likes the way his dictate".
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  #225  
Old 12-18-2006, 06:58 PM
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Striperjim Striperjim is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A woman met a man in a bar. They talked; they connected; they ended up
leaving together. They got back to his place, and as he showed her around
his apartment, she noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely
filled with soft, cuddly teddy bears. Three shelves held hundreds of teddy
bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.
It was obvious he had taken much time to arrange them and she was touched
by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There
were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering
the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears all along the top
shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a
large a collection of teddy bears, but didn't mention this to him, and
actually was quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking and, after a while, she
found herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!"
She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. He responded warmly.
They continued to kiss, the passion built, and he romantically lifted her
in his arms and carried her into his bedroom, where they tore off each
other's clothes and made hot, steamy love. She was so overwhelmed that she
responded with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she had ever
known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion, they were lying
there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asked coyly, "Well,
how was it?"

The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her
eyes, and said, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
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