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  #181  
Old 10-09-2006, 09:19 AM
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Striperjim Striperjim is offline
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A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes ....
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"....................
The guy says........."Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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  #182  
Old 10-09-2006, 09:22 AM
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me,can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 51 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said,
"You must be a Conservative."
"I am,"replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Liberal."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
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  #183  
Old 10-09-2006, 09:45 AM
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LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
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The flight attendant


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
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  #184  
Old 10-11-2006, 08:29 PM
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Two Crawford Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.



Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking,

because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house"

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a

heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer
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  #185  
Old 10-18-2006, 05:48 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Heaven
http://www.twistedhumor.com/program_...001/heaven.swf
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  #186  
Old 10-24-2006, 07:03 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Nuclear Power

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the
stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But
let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
grass.

The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hit?"
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  #187  
Old 11-11-2006, 10:10 AM
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Talking Re: Joke Of The Day

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near
route 6 in Pike County, Pa., early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge non-typical buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the senderos w/ a tailgate feeder.
Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the scope on his .300 mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down route 6.
The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do.

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
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  #188  
Old 11-11-2006, 11:41 AM
choppersdad choppersdad is offline
 
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A man sitting by himself in an upscale Hotel Bar, having a few drinks and watching the game, he notices a very attractive woman sitting across the bar all alone. He gets up, goes over to her and asks her if he could buy her a drink. She replies "that would be nice, please sit down (as she checks him out). They chit chat for awhile and he asks her if she is married to which she answers "No, I am freshly divorced". The man replies "I am too, Now I'm so embarrassed, why did you get a divorce?" The woman says " Well, my husband told me that I'm too kinky". He replies "No kidding, my ex told me the very same thing". Sooooooo, one thing led to another and at the end of the evening, they mutually agreed to go up to her room. When they got there, they had another drink, the woman gets up, excuses herself and says "stay comfortable, I'm going to slip into something I think you'll like". Welllll, she's gone and gone and after about 30 minutes she returns, wearing a very sexy and complete black leather lingerie ensemble, and sees him moving quickly toward the door to leave. She yells "Wait, I thought you were kinky and would love these nice things I'm wearing" to which he replies while still leaving "I am and I do, but I've already screwed you cat and $hit in your purse." I'm outa here!
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  #189  
Old 11-14-2006, 02:23 PM
BobEver BobEver is offline
 
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip
>he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
>
>The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a
>Bitch!"
>
>"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
>
>"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
>
>"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
>
>Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
>
>"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
>
>"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
>
>"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of
>a Bitch!"
>
>Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear
>and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquire d about his trip.
>
>"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
>
>Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
>
>"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch
>fish!"
>
>"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
>
>Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
>visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his
>dinner.
>
>"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
>
>As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
>"What are you doing Sister?"
>"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's
>dinner."
>
>"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
>
>"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
>
>"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
>and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've
>finished cle aning that Son of a Bitch."
>
>On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The
>Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish
>was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you
>get it?"
>
>"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
>
>"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
>
>The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
>recipe!"
>
>The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across
>his face as he said,
>
>"You mother f***ers are my kind of people!"
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  #190  
Old 11-14-2006, 08:15 PM
sadlsorz sadlsorz is offline
 
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz?















A Ritz is a Snack Cracker.
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  #191  
Old 11-15-2006, 12:24 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

and a lesbian is a crack snacker?
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  #192  
Old 11-15-2006, 08:30 AM
sadlsorz sadlsorz is offline
 
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Silly, I know.
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  #193  
Old 11-15-2006, 07:49 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Why Men Shouldnt Take Messages.
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  #194  
Old 11-15-2006, 08:19 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was
seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in
the examination room, the doctor told her she was
pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the
hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem
was, and she told him her story. After listening, he
had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where
the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter
with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four
grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and
without looking up said, "Does she still have the
hiccups?"
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  #195  
Old 11-15-2006, 09:29 PM
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Another dopey Joke.
A Russian and a Polish wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Polish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, the Polish wrestler and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Polish wrestler and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the ending.
Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the Polish wrestler collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the Polish wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
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