Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody - Page 12 - Stripers247.com Forums
 
Striped Bass Fishing Site Map | Contact Us | Fishing Log Software | Fishing Online | Advertise
to UPLOAD: please register or login

Go Back   Stripers247.com Forums > Around The Woodstove > The Lounge
Forgot Password? Register Now!!

The Lounge Off-topic discussion here. Non-fishing related chit chat & banter. No Divisive subject matter - No Viscious Political and Religious debates please.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #166  
Old 09-16-2006, 03:55 PM
LittleCasino's Avatar
LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
ISBA Chief
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Indianapolis,IN
Posts: 1,573
Default

Bathroom Manners


During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners. The teacher
asked one of the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,
How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said . . . . . "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher
replied, " That would be rude and impolite!!!

Scottie, how would you say it?" Scotty replied, "I am sorry, but I
really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher replied, " That's better, but it's still not very nice to
say the word bathroom at the table".

And you . . . . Bobby, . . . . . . .. . . Are you able to use your
intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Bobby replied "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted
__________________
Indiana Striped Bass Association




"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #167  
Old 09-22-2006, 04:36 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

A professor at Indiana University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost?"
Billy Ray replied, Oh, from way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
Reply With Quote
  #168  
Old 09-22-2006, 09:26 PM
LittleCasino's Avatar
LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
ISBA Chief
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Indianapolis,IN
Posts: 1,573
Default

A professor at Indiana University? I'm swipping this one :)
__________________
Indiana Striped Bass Association




"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #169  
Old 09-24-2006, 02:55 PM
LittleCasino's Avatar
LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
ISBA Chief
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Indianapolis,IN
Posts: 1,573
Default

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."

Mr. Burns said," I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said," I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."

Oprah said, " I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.

George said," The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour .You ho! ld my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time.
At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"

George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes."

Oprah said," Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet."
__________________
Indiana Striped Bass Association




"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






Reply With Quote
  #170  
Old 09-28-2006, 02:27 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Reply With Quote
  #171  
Old 09-28-2006, 02:45 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily
sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical
procedure.
A student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong
with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Reply With Quote
  #172  
Old 09-29-2006, 07:41 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Welfare Client

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi... You know,
I just HATE drawing welfare, I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes. but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours. meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're b-s-ing me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Reply With Quote
  #173  
Old 10-02-2006, 06:39 PM
LittleCasino's Avatar
LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
ISBA Chief
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Indianapolis,IN
Posts: 1,573
Default

AN INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE



There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named because He had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call Him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If Anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where He made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next Day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone Grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all Day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made Love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????............................

OH, come on...take a guess!





Think about it






(You're going to love this!)





And the moral is...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Keep smiling my friends
__________________
Indiana Striped Bass Association




"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






Reply With Quote
  #174  
Old 10-03-2006, 03:42 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 F150."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
Reply With Quote
  #175  
Old 10-04-2006, 08:59 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Ten Things I Wouldn't Say to Mike Tyson's Face
1- Hey man, your girlfriend was all over me last night
2- Wanna go hang out at the beauty pageant?
3- Dude, youre an idiot!!
4- We dont serve your kind here (convicted rapists)
5- Theres NO WAY you could knock me down with one punch
6- What are your thoughts on Plato's 'The Republic'?
7- Do you mind babysitting my daughter a few minutes while I run to the store?
8- Thats the stoopidist tattoo Ive ever seen!
9- You cant tell me Buster Douglas didnt take a dive in that rematch!
10- YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS?!
https://stripers247.com/Iron_Mikes_Ma...st_Request.wma
Reply With Quote
  #176  
Old 10-04-2006, 09:06 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Girls English

Yes = No
No = Yes
May-b = No
Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what u want = Youll pay 4 this later
We need to talk = I need to bitch.
Sure......Go ahead = I dont want you too.
Im not upset = Of course Im upset, u stupid moron
How much do u love me? = I did something today your not goin like me 4.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me im beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, youre dead

Guys English
Im hungry = Im hungry
Im sleepy = Im sleepy
Im tired = Im tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventaully like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to dinner? = Id eventaully like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = Id eventaully like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = Id eventaully like to have sex with you.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
You look tensed, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
Whats wrong? = What meaningless self inflicted pshychological trauma are you going through now?
Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
Im bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Lets have sex right now.
I love you too = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now
Lets talk = I am tryin to impress you by shown that Im a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegel 4 you to have sex with other guys.
Reply With Quote
  #177  
Old 10-05-2006, 05:55 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

DUMB and DUMBER

My Cubicle
Reply With Quote
  #178  
Old 10-05-2006, 04:08 PM
LittleCasino's Avatar
LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
ISBA Chief
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Indianapolis,IN
Posts: 1,573
Default

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME
(WHOSE HEAD GEAR PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.



IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING

TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."



THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."



THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO,
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."



ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,

AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
__________________
Indiana Striped Bass Association




"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






Reply With Quote
  #179  
Old 10-06-2006, 02:10 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Reply With Quote
  #180  
Old 10-07-2006, 01:12 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

One of the better illusions. Stare at this picture for 20 seconds and you will see a giraffe
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
day, insult, joke

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Valentine's Day Facts: Striperjim The Lounge 3 02-13-2009 10:41 AM
joke of the day mikeyred The Lounge 1 03-16-2007 08:23 PM
Fishing Music Library ! TonyDB The Lounge 28 10-16-2006 06:09 AM
Now, a Day at the Beach Can Mean a Day in Court CaptainMorgan! The Lounge 0 09-04-2005 02:19 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:18 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Copyright 2004 - 2013 Stripers247.com LLC
Affiliated Sites:   Noreast.com   Allcoast.com    2coolfishing.com