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Old 02-17-2006, 08:34 PM
Eel nyut Eel nyut is offline
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Old 02-22-2006, 11:55 PM
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Striperjim Striperjim is offline
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Groaner alert.

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested to the gentleman lobster to get them each an ice cream. Having purchased two ice cream cones, Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.
When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed "Where are the ice creams?"
"Well," he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."
His lady friend was incensed and cried "You shellfish creep!!"
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Old 02-24-2006, 01:53 PM
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New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's
next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to
wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.
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Old 03-02-2006, 11:26 PM
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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

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Old 03-20-2006, 08:40 PM
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Default Two Priests in Hawaii on vacation

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined tomake this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane
landed they headed for a store and bought some really
outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next
morning they went to the b each dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They weresitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a
thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They
couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and
said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and
addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know
they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and
bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you
could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their
new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a
string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father.
Good morning, Father." and started to walk away. One of the priests
couldn't stand it any longer and said "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied.
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Old 04-03-2006, 03:17 AM
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Stupid sports quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my ****************ing clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987
How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is quite clearly Ocean.
Arthur C. Clarke
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Old 04-06-2006, 01:50 AM
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GANG NAME________________________
1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio
for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street
value of the rest of his hold?

2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack

3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's,
how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, He also got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out?
**Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing
the ho that spent his money??

6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet , how many letters can be sprayed
with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint?

7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor
that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. if Bernie
makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa
with one weeks salary?

9) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph,
Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his
Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
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Old 04-12-2006, 02:51 AM
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Ft Worth, TX. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." :)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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Old 04-27-2006, 03:38 PM
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Gay Bob

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has blood tests run. The
comes back and says, "Bob, I'm going straight to the point. You have
Gay Bob is devastated. "Doctor, what can I do?".
The doctor says, "Eat a sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40
peanuts, one box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of
prune juice."
Gay Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc replies, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your ass is for
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Old 05-10-2006, 02:46 PM
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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when
during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
"Oh, my G-D!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!! Why is he
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where
testicles rapidly fill up with semen, and if he doesn't do that at
least 5
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's okay," commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can that be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."
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Old 05-23-2006, 08:00 PM
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Jimmy where have you been Good joke.
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Old 06-02-2006, 02:25 PM
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Default Too long between jokes. (:

Luis & Pepe

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering
aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting
for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I
is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the
next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with
bacon. There's raw
bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon,
back bacon, double
smoked bacon ....... every imaginable kind of cured
pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a
meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that
smeell of bacon... ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ... Luis races towards the tree. He
gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden,
a machine gun opens up,
and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he
is mortally wounded but,
true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with
his dying breath.
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees eet?"
"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ........... Ees ....



Ees, a Ham Bush"
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Old 06-11-2006, 12:29 PM
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One day, ed came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

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Old 06-12-2006, 07:44 AM
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He tied her up, not you zim You turned over.
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Old 06-13-2006, 06:39 PM
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Letters Home

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
The Reply:
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
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